A Curious Girl: Pain and joy

ADAM P. IS A RAT!

I promised myself I would start with those words. He e-mailed Chris and said he'd found a female friend that he wanted to go out with, but he was holding back because of her. Apparently he had told this female friend about Chris, and she had said she was 'willing to share'. Consider it, he said. Understandably, Chris condsidered it for about 5 seconds before replying something along the lines of, "Go out with her and leave me out of it." It's so damn annoying and patronising. Who does he think he is? It's like he was trying to act *nice* about it. Adam was like "don't think 'sob sob, I'm losing him' " which probably sent Chris off the pole (where the hell did that expression come from?) altogether.

So Chris is single, for the first time since April last year (for about half of that time she was going out with Richard) and everyone is anti-Adam. My damned kind half is suggesting reasons for forgiveness, and to be fair, I'll list them here.

-He probably thought it would be nicer than dumping her, to warn her of the competition.

-He hasn't had much experience of girls' feelings.

-It's hard to cope with long distance relationships.

Still... grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Speaking of Ex's, Nicola' diary is going on about sausages at the moment. She's a bit nutty really :-) (see link below)

Abi and I were talking today about how much we like each other. It's worrying to be on such good terms with a lesbian :-) She got told off by Mrs. K, head of lower school, for hugging someone because 'it's not appropriate'. Everyone seems to be hugging at the moment, I've even hugged Richard (Christina's ex, see above) several times and we hardly know each other. Abi said Mrs. K must be sexually repressed but I think she must have an innate fear of intimacy. I love people, but I can't say it, so I hug them instead. The type of hug depends on the person - with Richard, for example, it's formal-ish, and at parting and pretty brief, but with Abi, Sara, Chris, Nicky (when she's not be claustrophobic; she doesn't like my hugs but she once told me she loved me platonically) it's often on impulse, wrap arms around and hug tight.

When I was a bit younger I used to wish I could hug Jesus, and even now 'in my arms' always has an effect on me.

You, readers, must think I'm rather strange. Well I probably am, but to me I'm perfectly normal. :-)

What can I say? I'm still prattling on about love. Here's another thing about friend love - their faults don't phase you, and when they look pathetic and embarrassing, you don't run a mile or say, "Well I don't *really* like them, it's just they're quite friendly." In fact, most of the time now, I don't even notice anymore.

It's like 1 Corinthians 13. Go on, go read it :-)

Ah, stuff it, I'll quote it here.

"I may speak in different languages of people, or even of angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have a faith so great I can move mountains. But even wih all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my bod as an offering to be burnt. But I gain nothing if I do not have love.

Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not boast, and it is not proud. love is not rude, it is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always remains strong."

I adore that passage. It's so beautiful.

There's a bit after that where it says that love never ends, even though other spiritual gifts do. That's a relief :-)

I started this entry yesterday, but I dated it for today as I had to leave it over the night. I'm not going to the hospital today (I wish I hadn't gone last week) just in case I infect people with whatever illness I had on Monday. Abi asked if I want to go out today, and hopefully she will call me. I need to buy some Christmas presents, or at least think about buying some Christmas presents. I also have work to do. Now that makes a change!

I told Mum about Mr. R giving me a copy of Olwyn's essay, and she said, "How did *Olwyn* feel about this?" Because of course, it was Olwyn's work so Mr. R should have asked for permission before copying it. I pointed out that Mrs. L had done the same with my biosphere diagram, and should I tell her off for that? Photocopying work is just something teachers do.

I don't mind Olwyn, but she's so damn clever :-)

Elaine didn't come to school for the whole of last week. She will have had to have made her decision by now. To leave or not? She asked if I wanted to go out with her today, but I told her sorry (regretfully, it's rare that Elaine and I go out together) because Abi had already suggested meeting up.

Why does my life seem so boy-free at the moment? About the only boys I ever talk to are Ricci, Mark, Martin, Neil, and they surely don't count because I hardly know them and most of them are younger than me. There's the boys in my class, with whom I very rarely exchange a few words, and most of them are going out with someone. So it looks like I'm going to remain single for a while longer. Still, I don't really have time for chatting continually on the phone and going for long trips on Saturdays, which is all couples ever seem to do, apart from snog and keep their arms around each other continually in public places just to show they're a couple. This isn't quite the same as public hugging.

Despite all my rationalising, I'm sad to say I would like a boyfriend... but never mind. And I don't find continual touching all that disgusting, but I do get jealous :-)

Even though I have such good friendships with other girls, I can't ever see myself being a lesbian. All biblical objections aside, I suppose I just have a weakness for males :-)

Wait a minute! I just realised, it's Armistice Day. Eleventh hour, eleventh day, eleventh month... I might have a minute's silence at eleven, but on the other hand, I'm pretty quiet now. I had to explain to Susann, one of the Germans, about the Poppies. It didn't occur to me why this was until I was telling Abi about it later on in the day and I said 'German' and she gasped. Of course. But it doesn't bother me at all, anymore, and I doubt it would have bothered Susann either. Besides, Madlen (the other German) bought a poppy. She is now going out with Scott, also in my English group, and she's going back to Germany in January. Looks like everyone has better romantic relationships than I do.

I shouldn't let it worry me, really.

I wonder when Abi will call? I'll try and find my note for Psychology and make a start on my essay before she calls. I said to Chris that we might visit her at the library... hopefully she can renew my books!

I've been thinking about SI lately... There's a bit in "The Midnight Club" where Anya talks about a relationship with a man that she had in the past, and says that she felt the relationship was too good for her, so she ended up sleeping with someone else. It occurred to me that she actually wanted punishment, wanted her boyfriend to come in and find her so he would hate her, because she didn't feel she deserved such love. OK, so a teeny book I read because it had a cool title is not exactly the best basis for a psychological theory, but sometimes I think we feel that our lives are too good for us, like van Gogh cutting his ear after an argument, maybe because he felt so guilty. It's punishment. People SI because they want to receive what they think they deserve. Abi once said, after what must have been a particularly bad session for her, because there were scratches on her face, that she didn't want to be perfect (physically, I suppose). But I once told her I wanted to be perfect and she said that was impossible. So why the SI?

A girl put a message on an SI site full of 'turn to Jesus!' etc. and Abi and I laughed a bit at it (it was a little over-zealous, shall we say). It did have a point. Jesus has already taken the pain from us, so we don't have to suffer punishment. Maybe Hell isn't meant to be the afterlife, demons etc, maybe it's just our own punishment that we inflict on ourselves, not because others can't forgive us, but because we can't forgive ourselves. We do do bad things but we have to move on, and that's the message of Calvary. That Jesus could conquer sin, wrong things, evil actions, even when it killed him, but we can't, not on our own.

And that's why I'm a Christian I suppose; because I want to conquer the bad things in my life, but the only way for that to happen is to allow Jesus to help me.

Could I die for someone?

Random word for today:

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