A Curious Girl: Fathers and daughters

When did I last write an entry? Yesterday? Yes.

I'm so glad I finally finished the second van Daan story.

Holly van Daan is a half-Dutch, half-English girl, with an estranged father in Holland. She loves acting and parties, being poetic and being different. She's nearly seventeen.

Ever since I created her, Holly has become more and more real to me, like 'Sophie's World', she's almost self-aware. Maybe it's the estranged father, maybe it's her fanciful way of talking, maybe it's just her outgoing nature.

Anyway, her emotions seem so real to me. It's worrying really.

This is probably the best passage about her I've written so far. She's just met her father again and discovered he cheated on her mother. She is also angry at his neglect of her.

"At that moment, perfectly timed, a woman came in, with a girl and a babe-in-arms. “Hello dear,” she said, and I stared at her in horror. Here she was, the personification of my shattered dreams.

“Who’s this?” she asked, and he looked down, shaking his head.

“I used to be his daughter,” I said. The baby started crying, and she turned away to hush it, shrinking away from me like I had a disease. Dirk van Daan did nothing, his ‘Little Holl’ now big and dangerous. Frustrated as he sat there, saying nothing, no explanations, no tender words, no words of apology, I threw his credit card into his lap, and marched outside. I felt the eyes of the girl, the eyes of the woman, the eyes of every damn person in that café, and for a fleeting moment, I felt proud to have made such a scene."

I love that passage. I think it's because of my own father, who I never met. I'd always fantasized that kind of meeting: it was complete chance. She met him in a cafe, accidentally saw his name, and confronted him. Of course in my daydream, my father was immediately curious about me, immediately remorseful, but when the adoption procedures were taking place for Clive to adopt me, my mixed-up dreams of finding him/not finding him became a mess and I didn't know what I wanted; to find him or not.

In the end, they didn't find him, and I almost felt rejected, lost. If you had a daughter, wouldn't you try to do everyting that's best for her? Ultimately, for Holly van Daan, that was her father's excuse but it wasn't good enough. A child needs a father's love.

I supoose that's why I chose adoption.

Clive adopted me just over a year ago, so now I have a Dad and a brother and sister into the bargain. I was so nervous in court, all I did was nod and say thank you a lot. I think I might be better now (I did a presentation today and Mrs. Smith said it was excellent. No-one else is impressed, so I'm sharing this with my future self and you lot instead).

I love my brother and sister. They are sometimes annoying but they are still delightfully wonderful people.

I love my dad too. I still call him Clive, though. There's nothing much else that will slip off the tongue, but I definitely learned to love him.

It took Mum ages to condition me to say it. I don't go much on speaking my affection. I prefer hugging and kissing, sometimes, and presents and beatific smiles. Ah yes, I find it embarrassing to speak the words. Sad, isn't it? Mum said that if I told him I loved him, I'd be able to wrap him around my finger. Which I certainly can. :-)

The trouble is, he's so obvious. So "my daughter-ish" and "tell your dad". I'm subtler about things like that.

I'll be going,

Helen.

Random word for today:

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