A Curious Girl: You are strong when you feel weak...

Wow. Double wow. Triple wow, with a Hallelujah added in for good measure.

Church tonight was... well, it surpassed the word amazing, which is the word I usually use for such things. Awesome.

I realised as I was ironing Stephen's shirts (he paid me :-) ) that tonight was to be a testimony night - ie. people tell about what God has done for them recently. I'd told Chris I would give a testimony (Youth Group was organising) but I really didn't feel up to it. Ever have those days when you can't seem to get rid of bitter feeling? And I really wasn't sure how to say 'Up yours' to the Devil. Then it occurred to me that deciding I couldn't show God's glory was just what Satan wanted. I should give a testimony. I'd be all right if I didn't go first. Chris called, and she doesn't know (until she reads this :-) ) how absolutely terrified I felt as I confirmed that I would. I needed to say something for God, but I had the feeling I'd end up whining my heart out and saying nothing that made people praise him.

Anyway, seeing as I'd established God wanted me to give a testimony, I had to work out what to say. Along my frantic praying and wracking of brains, I remembered, well, lots of stuff.

I remembered that the Holy Spirit will help me say the right thing.

I remembered reading in this lovely diary's profile this - Do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking in you (Matthew 10:19,20). And when I looked into that diary I read the verse 'Perfect love drives out fear' (1 John 4:18). I don't have perfect love, but I know God does for me.

I remembered Moses saying he was not a good speaker (decided not to look that up, as God ended up sending Aaron to be speaker, and that didn't really fit my situation), reading this in Jesus-freak's diary, I remembered in Chicken Soup for the Soul 'Do it trembling if you have to, but do it.'

Nervous yet mostly equipped now, I got into the car for Church. On the way I decided to talk about God's encouragement of me through Philippians 4:13, and thought up plenty of stuff to say. Phew. Got in, to have James delegate me to hold the microphone for people who didn't want to come up the front, and when I told him I was doing a testimony, he said I should go first. I didn't feel too awful about it now, just laughed. Still nervous as anything, I might add, but figured that if I was going to do one mad nervewracking thing, I might as well go the whole hog. (What an odd expression - I mean, I'd already spent my nervousness, and so that extra bit of going first added on didn't make much difference.)

Good worship, as usual. Lively, and we sang 'Before the throne of God above' which I absolutely love. Could only remember the first bit though. Then I heard the second bit -

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin

Because a sinless Saviour died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on him and pardon me

Satan tempting me to despair? Know the feeling! (Just found the guitar tab to that song)

James announced the testimonies, invited 'someone' to go first (oh very slick, James, like we didn't decide on anything!) and then Bill (our leader) got up to give a short introductions, and then I got to do it. It was cool, although I didn't say nearly enough! And I was nervous enough to forget the verse reference - not too embarrassing though, as I know I forget things like that under stress. Just ask me to remember someone's phone number when I'm on a rollercoaster. Or something like that. Lots of people were nodding encouragingly, and Margaret, who prayed for me that night I heard Philippians 4:13 in Church and realised it was the same verse I had pinned to my notice board, whispered, 'God bless' as she walked past me to give her testimony.

Lots of lovely nice testimonies, each a sweet smelling flower in God's garden. (That was poetic!!!) God on the streets, God when sad, God when restless, God in a child, God's forgiveness. And Andy.

Andy deserves a special mention, because what ego-swelling I may have had after doing mine was immediately reduced when I heard his testimony. He told the Church about how he'd been at University - he said it was 'a dark place' (drugs and witchcraft were two of the things he mentioned), and how he'd tried to fill the hole where God had been with social activities, and it hadn't worked. He cried. He asked for prayer for himself, for Christians at Uni, for us young peeps going to Uni, and he said, which really shook me, 'I am still not right with God.' How much courage does it take to admit that to a Church full of Jesus Freaks? And I thought I was brave! We prayed for him, with him.

That he could get up, say what God has done for him at Uni whilst he wasn't doing too well spiritually, and then admit his feelings of failure and his longing to be an ambassador to God - that really moved me. I managed to say 'Well done' to him before I left, but wanted to tell him how I'd felt about what he said.

We sang 'Show me the way of the cross' and I noticed James looking upset. I hope he's OK - he went for prayer, and I prayed for him on the way home. James is a lovely person.

Random word for today:

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