A Curious Girl: Back to Church

Well, yesterday was interesting. I woke up too late for Church again (when I wake up in time, or when Laura Housemate invites me in the evening, I go to a church on my road). I try and articulate to people what it is about the church on my road that means I go there occasionally, but am half-looking for somewhere else, and I stumble on my words. To be honest, I think it's because although they're very nice, I want a church that actually engages with God and whilst this church does, they seem to do so in a very distant sense. I feel that teaching is often so very dry... or perhaps it's just me. My relationship with God is somewhat disastrous at the moment. And I sometimes feel that formal prayers are merely a pastor preaching with his eyes closed... The thing is, if God is real, then we can actually talk to him and discover what he's like and what he wants us to do. I miss seeking after God's heart and actually properly talking to him. If I'm a Christian, why shouldn't I expect God to talk to me?

So I went to campus and wondered whether I'd get the chance to pray with someone or go to church or whatever that day. At around five o'clock, I was in the computer room, and Cat, who is someone very active in the Christian Union, came along to say hello. She said she was going to go to church, a church which is rather near where I live. This was too much of an opportunity to miss, so I asked if I could go with her.

Now I like Cat, but I find her quite scary to talk to. I always get the feeling that she's trying to work out how Christian I am. She asked me, for instance, whether the church on my road is quite liberal - I said that I guessed so. She expressed disapproval. The thing is, I have a feeling that Cat and I use liberal with entirely different meanings. Cat says liberal to mean being complacent about following God, whereas I would argue that in many ways, the teachings of Jesus really were liberal. They were certainly ridiculously liberal for the time - imagine, "turn the other cheek"! "Forgive others"! "Love others"! My libertarianism comes from accepting that people are different and we're not perfect - most people will behave all the worse under a strict regime and many people, if demanded to be perfect, will simply pretend to be perfect - so we need to accept that we all have flaws.

In any case, the church was all right - pretty sound teaching and all that - Cat advised me to go to a morning service, because they have great student lunches :) So I may do that. But what I really miss about my church at home is the ministry team, the open prayer times, and being able to feel like I'm a part of something rather than a customer. I guess that's what I've been looking for all along. And that's why I didn't stay in the Christian Union, and why I find myself feeling lost in many churches.

The other thing is, a lot of the people in the Christian Union seem to only know Christians. I'd swear it drives them a bit loopy :) They seem to live in a happy, sorted Christian world where non-Christians are 'others', to be brought in and recruited. At the church I went to with Cat, the pastor actually suggested beginning a conversation with "So, Bob, if you died tonight, where would you go?"

I would just like to know God again... in many ways, I feel like we haven't spoken for a very long time.

Random word for today: racemate

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