A Curious Girl: Begone, Self-Pity

I have exams coming up.

I've been in that unhappy cycle of thought that goes, "I don't know this... I'll fail... What's the point in revision... now i haven't done any revision I'm really gonna fail..." and just generally feeling down.

Anyways, I went to church this morning and the pastor spoke about peace. He said that people with peace of mind have been found to not indulge in self-pity, avoid reclusion and believe in something bigger than themselves. All of which I've been finding difficult.

I really miss God. I miss being a crazy, confident, happy ol' Jesus Freak. I don't want to be sickening or deluded or whatever, but I do want to know God again and I can do that without offending someone's liberal* sensibilities, can't I? It does mystify me how some people seem to think the mere act of being a Christian somehow offensive...

I also realised that my attitude to revision the past few days has been daft. Of course revision's depressing - it's revision. Getting worked up about it won't help. And whilst it has no way of curing my difficulties with my faith and my everything else, it's possibly time I should stop subconsciously lamenting this fact and realise that, despite its boring and repetitive nature, revision does have the advantage of enabling me to pass my exams.

To be quite honest, I've spent the last few days rather hoping someone will feel sorry for me. No one does, on the quite reasonable grounds that everyone has to put up with exams - why should I be any different? It's a touch worrying that I should care more about people's opinions of whether I am doing enough revision and whether I deserve sympathy than whether I actually pass the damn things. So I will try and be more positive...

- I can pass my exams.

- God still loves me. "A smouldering wick he will not snuff" and all that.

- revision sucks but I might as well get on with it.

I'd still quite like a hug though :) Actually Keith gave me one this morning. Thanks Keith :)

*This is the first, and hopefully last time you'll ever hear me use 'liberal' in a negative context.

Random word for today: prognosis

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