A Curious Girl: Choice and responsibility

Something rather sad about living away from home is that very ordinary activities suddenly become very exciting when elivened by that 'I'm grown-up and I can do anything I like' feeling that it gives. Yesterday, for instance, I was very anarchic in having both a baked potato and chips with my (very bad) breaded chicken! Oh, what a social faux pas! Oh did I give a toss?

Then there's shopping. It's rather nice that yesterday I went out under the pretence that I was going to look for clothes and veg for a ministrone soup, and came back with the entire autobiography (all five volumes) of Maya Angelou (bought very cheap at a second hand bookshop!) and some feminist postcards I got from a bookshop that can't decide if it's feminist or lesbian. Oh yes, and I watched a very hilarious escape artist. Because... If I want to just wander around the city and not do very much, I can!

I was a tad disturbed by the feminist/lesbian bookshop. Well, I went in out of curiosity (who wouldn't?) - apart from the many many lesbian titles (Lesbian romance. Lesbian short stories. Lesbian crime fiction...) it seemed to be dealing with the kind of point of view that lumps feminism together with every other popular philosophy. I was interested, although a tad offended, that the 'Women's Spirituality' section consisted mainly of Wicca. I know (or at least think) that Wicca's a very feminine religion, but I think it's a bit off to imply that it's for all good feminists. Although I am probably not a good feminist, as the Women's Officers elections showed. Or perhaps that was because Laura and I spent too much time attempting to the sort of people who can't be bothered to vote for Women's Officers. Or perhaps because we tried to re-invent the role, somewhat. Or perhaps we just didn't put enough election publicity up...

There was some nice stuff there though, like getting rid of PMS and the Random Act of Kindness movement. Bought some cool postcards and recommended Vipe.org to the woman at the counter.

Not sure what to do today. Was going to go to church this morning, but we were late. Could go this evening, only I've just realised that I have my first Dougsoc Committee meeting. I think I can go after, but I have no idea where to.

Church is a rather sad, sorry state at the moment. I don't really feel at home wherever I go, I'm torn. I wonder where all the Christian Focus people go? I know Ellen goes to the church I was going to go to this morning. Grr, I wish I hadn't missed it now. I know a lot of them are Catholics, but I've probably hinted at my love/hate relationship with Catholicism - I respect Catholics and their faith very much, but I won't become one.

Well, I'll search for churches close to my house next year, I think... I think the trouble is, I don't really know how to 'get into' a church. I know that Christina didn't feel at home at her Oxford church at all until she went on a weekend away. I don't know if I'm feeling uncomfortable because I'm new or because I'll always feel uncomfortable... or what. Why is it so hard to connect? There was one church I really liked in the first term, but when I went there again last term I ended up sitting through the student lunch feeling a bit of a twit, having trouble relating. I have a lovely fairy-tale picture of Christians getting together - they're friendly no matter who you are and you're on the same wavelength instantly... and stuff. I really enjoyed my first time in Christian Focus perhaps because I knew people there beforehand, but in any case I found I could shuffle myself and my opinions in with their own quiet faith.

Perhaps that's the main thing. What I, possibly unintentionally, found myself talking about last entry. I once, somewhat exasperatedly, exclaimed to Christina how the main Christian Union at uni seem embarrassingly evangelical, clumsily enthusiastic about spreading the gospel, whereas Christian Focus seem very cautious and probably too much so. The big difference - it seems to me, at least - is that Christian Focus seem willing to improve, and include everyone's opinions on how to, rather than assume that 'this is the way we've always done it - this is the best way'. From my first meeting at Christian Focus, I remember the phrase from the prayer - 'Help us to remember that we don't have to be Evangelical to be evangelical' - it made me laugh. I think the thing I want most is a place where I can both help and be helped, rather than passively be taught, where I can discuss and chew over differences in faith rather than feel that we have to carefully homogenise our beliefs until they are all the same, painfully orthodox to the point of blindness. Where despite piddly little differences, we can all say that we love the same God, and we share a common desire to improve ourselves and to make the world a better place. Rejoice in uniqueness. Love each other. Perhaps that's all fairy-tale, but now I write this, I realise I've been somewhat ignoring my own role in all this. As one of my favourite preachers* once said, 'We don't go to church. We are the Church.'

I'm sure there's a proverb somewhere - Chinese I think - about changing the world. First you have to change yourself... (I shamelessly confess that I got it from 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' - it's a good proverb!) It's true. If I want my community (Christian or not) to be loving and accepting and things, I have to be loving and accepting, and put that behaviour above all others. Above being judgemental, above tastes, above appearance. It's tough... but I'll give it a go.

*hugs Norah* thanks for your note my dear. I miss chatting to you, but I'm glad I have your diary to read :)

* - I'm sure having a favourite preacher is not particularly godly, but he's lovely, doesn't talk jargon, and doesn't preach long angry sermons.

Random word for today: indictment

<< last entry ... next entry >>
top of page

Give food for free.