A Curious Girl: Dilemmas and imperfection.

So I'm writing this entry at last. So what do I say? I'll start with yesterday, and probably end up going back to last week...

OK, Yesterday. Started off crap because Gavan had arranged a meet-up and Nicola wanted to go... as did I. Only problem is, though I like Gavan, and don't want my sis to be lonely on the train, and though I'd get people buying drinks for me, I'd already arranged to go out with Elaine. And I rarely do that. And I didn't want to cancel, because she'd asked if we could do something half term and we didn't. In the end, I phoned her to ask if she wanted to come around Sunday (today) only to discover she was at Dancing so I basically had to meet up with her, because by the time I could cancel, Nicky would have to be on the train. How screwy. So Nicky went on her own, borrowing my Chav bag (a Morgan bag, so it's an out-of-date Chav bag, what an oxymoron) to put her magazine and stuff in. I'd already cancelled Hospital to get the blasted psychology done. (I have :-) only Biology to go...)

I met up with Elaine and we went shopping. It was OK, I got a guitar string for my guitar (Abi broke it... I s'pose technically I should have got her to pay for it, but to be honest I couldn't care less. Too much hassle. Stephen asked what I had bought and when I told him about the string he said I was too much like him. Is that a compliment?). I also got a Big Issue (highly interesting, as usual) and at last got some Van Gogh to put on my wall. It was 'The Starlit Night' and it is such a fabulous painting... I spent ages staring at it this morning. I wanted 'Willows at sunset' but never mind. There was a Van Gogh book about two inches wide for Ł20 and I was seriously tempted. But I didn't, and bought some 'seed beads' for bracelets (following Abi's illustrious footsteps :-) I got some tealights, and a truly excellent CD. I'd been meaning to get some worship music, and I got 'Soul survivor: Undignified', the live album together with some video clips and a bit from Mike Pilavachi and Matt Redman. I'd never quite realised how cute Matt Redman is!! (There was a free book for World Book Day with that) Then we walked past the Body Shop, and Elaine reminded me that there was a sign that for a Ł1 donation to Comic Relief we could have a mini makeover. Elaine didn't want one (no surprise) but I decided to. It was rather nice, plus the make-up artist took the opportunity to tell me what nice skin I have... (sorry, I've just paused to deflate my ego) All in all, a pretty successful shopping spree! Plus Elaine is pretty good to shop with, she likes all the same shops I do, apart from a few differences, and we put up with them, because they were the places we didn't spend very long in... even CLC, because I just picked up the CD and discovered it was just right.

When I got back, I found out that Nicky was staying overnight and would be back today, which didn't really surprise me. Didn't blame her. We had dinner and went to the Red House for a bit.

I've had a driving lesson today... I bumped into an island at the top of Bligh Way and managed to stall at traffic lights and stayed motionless throughout the green light. Other than that, it wasn't too bad. My steering was mostly great, except for some reason I swerved whilst changing gears on a main road... We did mirrors today, which wasn't too bad, plus I got quite a few of Phil's questions right.

So, last week. Actually, it's amazing - it went so slowly, and yet I can remember very little about it... Very little of interest, anyway. There was no CU. Actually, the main thing is that I've started trying to worship God more (hence the CD, I'm getting bored of all the same music) and trying to give myself time to pray, read my Bible and worship after school. It is good, just nice to feel close to God. Charlie and Abigail were saying how they feel far away from God, and I wanted to tell them how I felt far away but am coming closer, except it was hard to explain, because I did it by realising that I was the one holding back and that I had to give my life up, and put him in control. It's like Blondin carrying the man across the Niagara on a tightrope. If you want to reach the other side, you've got to face your fears and get there, and realise that's what's waiting for you is much, much better than what you're giving up. You've got to be ready now, perfect or flawed, sick or healthy, intelligent or ignorant because he doesn't care what you are, except that you are willing to be changed in the way he has planned.

It was kind of hard to tell them that they were the ones who were far away. So I didn't, but maybe I should have. Or maybe not. I don't know. So I just prayed.

I am still a flawed person. I kept annoying myself this week... OK, so maybe that's an odd way of putting it! But everyone else was irritating me. Mainly because they were acting like I do when I'm at my most irritating... which isn't all that bad in itself, but the fact that they all seemed to have all my worst habits (OK, maybe not all...) was frustrating me. You hate people for what you hate in yourself... Freud calls it projection. I was feeling guilty about this until I witnessed an SIer complain about someone who SIs. Projection of projection!!

Started writing a letter to Eric, but couldn't think of much to write.

Random word for today:

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