A Curious Girl: Disconnected

Thanks Sian for posting in the guestbook *hugs*. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern
82%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
68%
Charismatic/Pentecostal
61%
Neo orthodox
57%
Classical Liberal
50%
Roman Catholic
39%
Modern Liberal
29%
Reformed Evangelical
21%
Fundamentalist
18%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Woohoo! OK, I should be slightly ashamed to be described with as vague a term as 'Postmodern', but the description fits... Although I don't have much of a problem with older churches... I think there's actually way too much prejudice within 'modern' churches towards more 'traditional' churches.

If anyone knows who that picture is of, please sign the guestbook and tell me!

Later editing. Ah, I've got it, it's someone called Brian McLaren. Thank goodness, I was worried it was Bishop Spong ;)

I am achy. I spent the weekend with some of the young teenagers from Church on their 'Weekend Away'. I got to work in the kitchen. Bizarrely, I actually like this. Perhaps my calling is to be a dinner lady.

On Saturday night, there was a really intense worship session, the kind that ended up with people crying and falling on the floor etc. I was feeling really disconnected for some reason. I mean, not even a warm fuzzy feeling. Just cold (and it was literally cold... v. chilly!). And I really wanted to meet with God. I've been finding it so hard to, recently.

Actually after last entry's moaning I went to the Church fortnightly Wednesday meeting, was disaffected by the worship, and then was completely blown away by the sermon. Really glad I thought to take notes! Slightly depressed to note that although our pastor took a collection for the visiting speaker's church's mission (which includes a football team of homeless people and reaching out to prostitutes), he didn't suggest that we, as a church, could be doing more in the whole outreach/community action angle. But hey. The talk was amazing. It was about God's plan, and how when we walk within it, great things happen. Actually my church has an audio link on the web, so although I don't really want to reveal my identity to every random stranger, if you e-mail me, I'll direct you to the recording of the sermon...

But back to Saturday night. I am skeptical about encounters with the Holy Spirit. That's not to say I don't believe in them - I do - but that sometimes what people credit as Holy Spirit is actually just them getting over excited. And I was slightly concerned that a couple of the leaders seemed to be almost pushing people over. So when Gemma, who's about my age, was being prayed for, I deliberately supported her back. She fell backwards anyway. With a blissful expression on her face. And she wasn't pushed. And she doesn't seem to be a particularly emotional person either. I really envied her.

Sarah, who's lovely and was running the evening session, had been praying for the kids and leaders all day. And listening to God. Makes me wonder what I could do if I thought of these things :) She shared with people what God had said to her - there were some amazing things. One of my particular favourites was a girl who was told that she should speak out God's word and not be afraid because people will respect her. (I really wanted that one. I get embarrassed telling people I'm going to a prayer group... How naff am I?). Sarah told me that I was going to become really mature in Christ and although I feel like my progress has been slow, it's going to speed up and God will remove the hindrances. I'll become more confident of who I am and his love for me. And I should get hungry because 'the season is coming'.

She'd told me before that she had a 'word' for me, but this, to be honest, was not what I was expected. As usual, God gives me what I need, not what I want :) The rest of the evening was kind of difficult. It reminded me of a time when someone in my church small group told me her husband cried during worship. I sometimes have trouble not yawning during worship! It was like the whole room was full of the Holy Spirit, but he was avoiding me. In fact, Sarah and her friend Cathy, and some other people I couldn't see because my eyes were closed, prayed for me, and I tried to focus on God, but it just seemed like nothing was happening. They stayed for quite a while, actually, and Cathy told me that God was saying, "Don't think, just drink!" Why does God always speak in rhyme? :) That helped a bit, because I constantly analyse everything and I figured it'd be better to just relax, but still, nothing happened and eventually they seemed to get bored and went to pray for some other people.

I then thought very long and hard. I wondered if there was someone I could talk to about all this, besides you, dear diary, because I often use the diary as an excuse not to talk to people. I find it so hard to talk about difficulties in my faith, except for here. And especially in church. At times, I'd just like to say, "Come on guys, this worship is banal... And hey, I still find quiet times hard... " But it's much easier to talk about the times when God answered prayers, like when I was searching for a church here, had just written "God, let me find the right church" and at that moment, my phone rang and it was a woman from one of the churches I'd visited, inviting me to a small group session. I mean, this stuff is cool and it helps people's faith. But sometimes I'd just like to tell people how I often feel lonely and depressed and I have a deep fear that I'm not, and never will be, a proper Christian. And sometimes I'm bitter and angry and afraid, sometimes I'm meanspirited, sometimes I'm cowardly, sometimes I just wish people would shut up. And I find it so hard to open up to people, especially people I don't know inside-out.

And as much as I wanted to talk to someone, when Lisa (one of the leaders) asked if I was all right, I just said yes. I've got to remember to never ask people if they're all right, because it's obvious you don't want to know the answer beyond a brief indication that they're still in the world of the living and not so completely depressed that they break down into floods of tears at the mere question. I then went and cried in the toilet. I came back, and one of the boys, for no apparent reason, made fun of my voice. I told him to shut up.

I got in on Sunday and watched Songs of Praise. That's how desperate I was for something God-related :) I then cried during 'One More Step', which just goes to show I can never cry during the kind of worship that everyone else cries in. That song sounds so naff, but because I fear the future so much I still cried when they sang "And the new things that I see, you'll be looking at along with me". I mean, the grammar is questionable, the tune is bad, but the words are.... reassuring. And I wrote a parody of the Screwtape letters, in which Screwtape advises Wormwood to play on my fear of not ever being a proper Christian, and I quite liked this bit (sorry, yeah, I quite liked something I myself wrote...)

"And so, she will never realise that she already is a 'proper Christian'. Blinded and deafened by this, she will only hear [God] when he comes in thunder and lightning, and never the constant whispers he directs towards her."

I wrote this on Monday but didn't have time to post it. On Monday night, I went to my choir, even though part of me just wanted to stay home. I eventually went because I knew I'd enjoy it once I was there...

It's funny. I knew that Jo, who's a UEA student, would be driving down from Norwich with the president of her choir (She's on a placement this term and so conveniently switched choirs :) ). What I didn't know was, the president of her choir was Sarah P, or Extra Smoothie, who I got to know at Soul Survivor! Heh. Never have I been so grateful I got over my reluctance!

Random word for today: inimical

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