A Curious Girl: The winds shake my shelter, you are the foundation

Argh...

Well, the plans for driving test have changed. Again.

Basically, Carolyn decided to give me a mock test today ('I'm mocking you today. Well, I know I mock you every lesson...') And I rather seriously panicked during a reverse park. Didn't cause any damage, but steered the wrong way, and we ended up having a talk.

Because it's so frustrating for both of us. One day driving's easy peasy, the next I can't even turn into a road without doing something wrong. I think Phil's great strength as an instructor was remaining outwardly calm everytime I messed up (Carolyn's great strength is being totally honest when I have!). Anyways, she's going to change my test date (again) and instead of a lesson every week, I can have fourteen hours the week of my test.

So she offered to drive home, but I said I was ok, and although at the time I was a little tempted to ask her to drive home, I'm glad I did it myself. I'd hate for my last memory of driving for a few weeks to be ruining a reverse park to the point of failing my test. Or would have been failing my test, if I hadn't already had a 'dangerous' a few minutes earlier.

The rest of today has been all right. Yesterday was lovely, I did my filing and actually felt de-stressed enought to do some chemistry revision. Then Nicky and Jonathan came around and I didn't do any! This is typical. With work etc. I feel either too tired or stressed to concentrate properly on revision. So I'm not working Sundays anymore... pheeew, what a relief. Last week I was at work and actually felt vaguely tempted to the idea of moving somewhere pretty, getting a job which is enough to pay the bills, and spending the rest of the time generally relaxing and writing. Sounds idyllic, being able to kick off the stress of work as soon as I'm home, and concentrate on soothing things. But, I reflected, I wouldn't be happy. That description sounds hauntingly like holidays in which I felt depressed, isolated, lonely and useless. And it's not what I think God wants me to do. So then I was thinking, why would God want me to do something that keeps me stressed or indulging in unhealthy amounts of escapism? Surely he provided a way out?

And then the most obvious passage ever sprung to mind. 'Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives. The teaching I ask you to accept is easy, the load I give you to carry is light.' - Matthew 11:25-30

It's so obvious it's highlighted pink in my Bible! On GB camp in Cambridge, I remember running after half-a-dozen children (the camp I decided to become a paediatrician because let's face it, teaching's not for me ;-) ) and feeling generally hyper and not as close to God as I wanted to be. So I went to talk to Jeri (see this entry) who was doing devotions that year to ask if she could pray for me. She's one of those extraordinary everyday people with amazing faith! She wouldn't strike you as 'religious' - just as a very kind and friendly person. But she has powerful faith. Anyhoo, she did, and for a while I just lay in God's presence (on a pew!) and even cried a bit - not sad tears, just gentle, relieved tears.

Why don't I have this kind of rest in my life? Why don't I run after that peace that's been promised? And why oh why do I just block off my problems in school as if I expect them to go on their own, when I know that this is causing more trouble? I need to find my peace again - go back to my God and 'be still and know that I am Lord'

You are the missing link - hello.

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