A Curious Girl: God's still working...

Mmm, fourth Sunday of Advent.

Matthew's been over - he went home today. It was nice to have him over :) We went to a party Neil organised on Saturday, I think he managed to make a pretty strong impression on everyone :)

We (Dad and me) went to a carol service this evening. He didn't enjoy it much (not his style, I think...), but I did. I've been feeling so very anxious and misplaced quite often recently, and wondering why on earth I can't seem to muster that bright grinny Christian personality some Christians seem to have.

Normal person: Hi, how are you?

Grinny Christian: Praise the Lord! God is good!

(In the words of Mike Pilavachi, 'I know God is good, I asked him this morning. How are you?')

The kind that tell you that three of their non-Christian friends became Christians in their first term at university, because of the generally overwhelming love pouring out of every Christian they met. The kind who know exactly why they are where they are and are totally certain of God's calling. The kind who constantly smile and talk about how God's blessings permanently abound in their life.

And all right, I know that sometimes that is very sickening indeed, but I'd still like to be the sort of person in whom it is evident a gentle grace is working, who is quietly faithful and full of faith, who stands assured whenever troubles strike.

Lately my once abounding optimism has been crushed by doubt and a sort of consuming apathy. Fatigue, I suppose, cynicism and disillusionment. I'm meant to be in 'the best days of my life', or maybe having an enormous spiritual epiphany in which my faith reaches a strength it never had before, and instead I feel bad when people ask me how university is and one of my first instincts is to tell them that it's difficult and crushing. I've barely prayed in days and I can't remember the last time I read my Bible. And I've been losing my faith in fellow Christians, I want to look on the bright side again and see the best in people.

So anyway, I went to the carol service and cried a little (Matthew will kill me when he reads this, he hates it when I cry and don't tell him. One of the things I really love about him is how he can't bear for me to be upset) and sang the songs. I like how that now I am older and now analyse things through instinct having done English Literature, I now see meaning behind certain verses in carols. Remember this?

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given
As God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of his Heaven
No ear may hear his coming
But in this world of sin
Where meek souls will receive him still
The dear Christ enters in

I always remembered this verse as the 'How silently' verse - it's the one you sing quietly. The next verse (Holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us we pray) always struck me as the response verse, but now I look at this verse I finally see what it's saying. The satirical part of me wants to play the words 'how silently' over a baby screaming very loudly (realism, folks!) but the verse isn't talking about the fact of Jesus' birth, it's talking about the gift of God's Spirit in our lives. He doesn't come to us with thunderclaps and dramatic music, God comes gently and silently. I know sometimes God's Spirit comes and there are tongues and prophecies; we're made to believe that God comes in a display of drama and even histrionics. But that is usually not the case. In fact, though God's Spirit very occasionally comes dramatically to some believers, everyone who trusts in God receives his Spirit in even the most understated manner. When I was searching for God to come to me, for some overwhelming display, I didn't realise that God was with me all along...

And as I sang this carol and others, I realised that though I've been feeling lost and anxious and sometimes depressed, I can still grow, that God can still use me, that Christians and even Jesus Christ have felt this way before me, and feeling down is nothing to feel guilty about. That God can and does shine through weak people, and furthermore I don't believe he wants me to sicken people by being perfectly assured in every situation. He's reminding me how much I need him, reminding me to stay humble, reminding me to be real with people about my faith - and reminding me not to give up! The tough things I'm going through (tiny compared to many other people's trials) are serving to help me grow and mature.

Also, I have to marvel that I had this revelation not through long prayers and Bible study (though these thoughts in the Bible, Paul talks about weakness in 2 Corinthians I think, most Psalms are laments and plenty of people have trials) but merely whilst singing carols. It was what I needed and God came and helped me see the truth, gently and unexpectedly. It was gentle grace, and a reminder that God doesn't do everything off my initiative. He knows what I need, even if I don't think to ask for it. He is truly faithful!

David (our minister) talked about how Mary, Joseph and Jesus became refugees in Egypt, but how in God we have a place to belong. And I needed to hear that, Matthew once told me that I'll be all right if it's just me and God and he's right. No matter how bad things seem, I know God will give me everything I need.

Also I was dreading working on Christmas Eve - I'm back 'waitressing' (hah, if I was trained - more like cleaning tables) for the holiday and I'm doing six hours Christmas Eve. But I'm looking forward to it now. Christmas is a lovely excuse to be cheery and share goodwill, and I'm praying that I'll be able to cheer up wearied customers and colleagues alike. It'll be really busy. But I can make a difference (and not by being sickening)! Yay!

It's occurred to me, I think one of the most beautiful things about life is that God can use me to make things better :)

*smile* I am feeling much cheered, a little sorry that I haven't prayed properly for so long but so very grateful that God sees my need before he sees my worthiness. God's like that - gives us what we need and not what we deserve.

*sigh* as an afternote, I assure you I'm still not sickeningly amazing, I kept getting irritated at my parents during this diary entry, I really don't like being interrupted whilst I'm writing! Heh. God is good - I am still me... Sorry Mum and Dad :( But I can try guys, and I know that with his help I can improve :)

Random word for today: Grace

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