A Curious Girl: I'm even afraid of being afraid

I haven't died or anything :) I'm back at uni, have been wrangling with Nationwide Building Society over a problem they've finally sorted out, have done some exams (euch) and had a sudden mania for drawing pictures (I bought a sketch book... I'll show you my pictures when I get be bothered to bring the disc onto campus) and also I have a Year in Industry placement, yay! I'm going to be spending a year in the Real World, mucking around with plasmid cloning and PCR, which in English means that I'll be studying genes :) I'll also be leading a scarily nine-to-five life. But hey.

It's scary though. I mean, everything in my life is scary at the moment - I even find drawing frightening. It's interesting how I get afraid when I draw because I worry that the next stroke of my pencil may ruin the picture. I'm afraid of going to work and having to live a different life - afraid that it'll change me in a way I don't want to be changed, or that it won't change me in the way I want to develop. I'm afraid of doing this term and taking exams. I'm even afraid I won't wake up in time for my lecture tomorrow (although I've discovered the joy of caffeine).

The thing is, once I realised I was afraid of drawing because of the ever lurking fear in the micro and macro forms, it just seemed so stupid. I drew a really bad self-portrait. Then I drew a quite bad self-portrait. Then I drew a not-so-bad self-portrait. Then I drew an actually quite good self-portrait and then a not-that-good self-portrait (if I draw a bad picture of myself, I'm the only one who can get offended) and I think I'm getting better at drawing.

I guess the antidote to my fear is not to believe I'm perfect, but to realise I'm not and there's plenty of room for improvement.

It'll be weird to leave here for the year though. I'll miss everyone - especially Matthew. I hope we can stay together. I'll have money, so I'll be able to visit, but it won't be the same...

I'm getting all interested in my course again. Last term I just wanted it to go away. (If biochemists are so intelligent, why are they doing biochemistry? :) ) This term we have a big essay set - it doesn't go towards the degree, but it's there for practice and I'm looking forward to it (yeah, I'm a geek). I don't know what to do yet, though. I'm thinking of researching Down's syndrome... or tansy beetles... or apoptosis (self-destruction of cells)... or pregnancy... or many other things. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel so alive and interested with life at the moment. I wish I did know why, that like a good Christian I could say I'm particularly close to God at the moment, or something, but in truth it's probably just because I got enough sleep last night. I hate being moody.

I would talk some more, but I need to shop and go home before Dougsoc :)

Thanks Sarah Joy for your guestbook signing - at some point I will make a proper study of exactly why Jesus had to die :) Thanks Mum for the link. Thanks MrJeff for your comment - avoiding work is fun, and men should sort themselves out too :) Generally my philosophy is to not believe everything you read, and to think about stuff ;) It's taken a little while to realise that sometimes I can be a 'princess' and still be a feminist (one of these days I'll write up my feminist philosophy for everyone to ~~point and laugh at~~ enjoy.

Random word for today: nociception

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