A Curious Girl: Indigo and me

This is my second entry for today, but I don't care.

Someone I haven't known for least two years has finally singed my guestbook!

It's good to be appreciated. Because I had nothing better to do, ie homework, I read all the way through hers, and I came across this passage (Lolita - hope you don't mind me quoting)

"My thoughts are a constant internal dialogue. Reaching out becomes a chore. I would rather run the hamster wheel in my head than have to make an effort and put myself out, open for judgment, by talking to someone or appearing somewhere."

That is so true. It's weird, it struck me how different we are, yet how similar. I sometimes feel that I'm too self involved. I like thinking, and often I imagine myself talking to someone in my thoughts, something I ought to tell them, or want to tell them, but deep down I just would rather the conversation stayed rehearsed and never performed. Is that the same as Lolita? I don't know. But it felt the same. I sometimes just want to bury myself in my little hole. F'rinstance, tonight I was planning to go to church, but skip afterchurch to think about CU. I just didn't feel like going. Anti-social? Maybe I am. It's easier than having to live in the real world. Upon my stage I'm anyone, but in the stalls I have to be someone, and I fear rejection. So I never told David how I felt, I ducked out of the Youth Club and karate because it had become a weekly ordeal.

No. That's too melodramatic. I quit karate for other reasons. I'm a pacifist. I wasn't learning. I got my green belt practically for free. So it wasn't just the social situation.

I find myself too interesting. I feel guilty, sometimes, about not reading other people's diaries very often when I wish that I had readers of my own. But maybe it's not about diaries. It's Hear My Voice. I read so much, yet I've never had the nerve to send my own work to a publisher, but this is the next best thing.

I'm not so damn awful in social situations. With my close friends I'm happy, and in church, usually, although GB can be hard sometimes.

Rejection. Oh I fear rejection.

Oh well.

Au revoir,

Helen.

Random word for today:

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