A Curious Girl: Oh I just gotta be me!

Hello again...

My big achievement for yesterday was cooking a gorgeous lovely pasta dish and eating it whilst it was still nice and hot instead of having one of the components get cold (grr, cooking, never know if I love it or hate it...)

I found that fertility chair I mentioned earlier, it was in a different part of the shop. Actually I didn't have the nerve to sit on it probably because I'm too superstitious *smacks own hand*. That shop is great, they have signs up saying 'Please Handle the Merchandise.' I had to read that twice! And then I was playing around with a chess set, trying to get it in checkmate but I'd forgotten the four move checkmate I learned...

Work today was supremely boring. They have given up on any hopes of stretching me and I'm permanently sorting out the salad. At least that's what it seems like.

Saturday (which I didn't bother telling you about!) I went to the beach with the Church Youth Group. Some of it, anyway. It was a nice day out, even if I didn't tan at all. I never seem to tan at the beach, perhaps it's because I actually bother to put sun cream on...

I love the seaside. I love the sameness of British seaside towns. I swear, they're all so alike! They all sell the same food, the same beach stuff... and beaches all smell the same, too, which means that it reminded me of Girls' Brigade camp one year when we visited the Isle of Wight as well as Ramsgate, where one of my Mum's old boyfriends lived.

*sigh* Actually I don't like remembering Ramsgate, I always feel betrayed. I liked it there so much and I can hardly remember ever being unhappy. And I also liked that boyfriend so much. But it never worked out... oh well.

I don't see how people can just lie on the beach though... how boring ;)

On Sunday I went to Stephen's - we ate pasta and watched The Green Mile. What an awesome film. I'd agree with the 18 rating (or at least a 15) because some parts are pretty horrific, but even so, it's the kind of film I felt better for watching by the end :) Also the characters are so vivid, so human, there were bits that were funny but didn't mock the mood of the film at all. Simply great...

It was cool going to see Stephen, even despite the film ;). He's living alone at the moment and also I haven't seen him much lately. We got to chat and generally be good company for a bit. And he took me to Church... awww...

I got the train back, and I didn't buy a ticket. Don't mistake that for me being dishonest because I really couldn't buy a ticket. The ticket machines don't take Ł2 coins and the barriers were open. I couldn't find a 'permit to travel' machine so I just went on anyway, and never had to pay.

Church was interesting. Remember last year I spoke about the Testimony night? *smiles* I just found that entry and it has the line I've been quoting to myself over and over as the title. *chuckles* Oh boy, I've just reread that and I said that James is a lovely person... which he is, just lately I've been complaining about him much more than I should.

Anyway, this year's testimony night featured some interesting testimonies. I didn't speak this time - for one thing, you had to speak to Lyn, who was organising, beforehand the previous Sunday or during the week, and I didn't know until Saturday. For another, I haven't a clue what I would say...

Andy spoke again. Last year he cried his eyes out and confessed he was not right with God. This year he confessed that he'd hardly changed at Uni, like he'd wanted to... He went to Detling this year, however, and gave up smoking, and asked God for forgiveness. He said he found it hard to believe that God could forgive him after all that he's done, but when he realised, he cried! I'm encouraged by Andy - encouraged that he's accountable to his church even when he knows he's messed up. He requested that we ask him when he comes back for Christmas if he's going to church, if he's still not smoking, if he's serving God as much as he can. Accountability is a powerful force. I'm encouraged by his efforts to change, even if they are sometimes futile (many of mine are, after all...) because he's willing to bounce back and say that he's still trying.

I still feel distant. Held back. How can I explain it? Being with God is like forgetting the meaning of the word fear. It's like finding perfection amidst imperfection. 'Beauty in the dark'! It's finding total love and not being afraid anymore. Being away from God is like being somehow lonely no matter who is nearby. Like the light at the end of the tunnel is not getting closer. I don't think it's quite the same as losing faith - my faith is intellectually all there, just it doesn't feel instinctive, doesn't feel a part of me.

But I'm not angry at God (er... anymore, anyway :) ). I know he's helping me see things, understand things in this place I am, about my weaknesses and my fears. He's helping me fight them. I'd like to be an insanely happy-clappy Christian 24/7 (Mike Pilavachi - 'Some people when you ask them "How are you?" respond, "Praise the Lord. God is good." To which I say, "I know God is good, I asked him this morning. How are you?" ') but I'd rather be mature, and follow him no matter how I feel. So if he's making me more mature by his actions, no matter how painful I have to say 'Bless them' because I know that in the long run he's doing out of love for me, making me a better person and making our relationship better. So bless his actions :)

One of my problems, I'm forced to confront, is the whole shyness/peer pressure problem. If I told any of my friends that I'm shy, they'd probably burst out laughing. On the way to Soul Survivor, I sat in the back terrified that I was going to spend my week being a lonely little outcaste, not being able to make friends and not one of the Three Amigos, who renamed themselves The Munch Bunch because they gained two extra members.

(I said I'd explain about that... Christina hung around with Becky and Sarah last year, and they adopted dessert names for their personalities. Christina was Pretty Cheesecake (Fruity with a deep base), Becky was Funky Gateau (Delicious and sweet), and Sarah was Extra Smoothie (Smooooooooth). Dave and I got recruited in, as Jammy Dodger (hehehe) and moi as Groovy Fruitcake (ever heard the phrase 'nutty as a fruitcake?).)

Actually I did make plenty of friends (none of which have responded to my e-mails yet :( I wouldn't mind usually, you probably know how long it takes me to reply, but paranoia sets in...), and at the end I had hung around with Sarah loads and had a great laugh with her, and found out that Becky is an awesome girl of God. At the end, Becky told me that the Munch Bunch was great with me in it! But as I explained this to Christina - my fears - she actually seemed shocked at how troubled I was. It's hard to explain... I think the biggest indicator is that people who don't know me tend to think I am quiet, when by contrast all the people that do know me, or have been around me when I am with my friends, know that I am talkative and loud. And cheerful! Mwahahaha!

To put it bluntly, I am afraid of people. I am afraid that they'll think me boring or stupid, or narrow-minded... With my friends I know that they've accepted me for who I am, I can be myself. But surrounded by people who don't know me (still mostly true for Work) I am frightened that they'll see my severe lack of coolness (don't ask me about music folks, most people don't seem to have heard of Matt Redman!) or my faith (why does 'I'm a Christian' sound like either 'I'm a Churchian, it works for me' or 'I'm a happy clappy Bible basher'??) or even just myself, with my writing and my Biochemistry, and my dreams of being a teacher... and they won't want to know. Pulling on the opposite line is the fear that they won't know me for who I am, because although I'm aware that severe lack of coolness, faith, writing, Biochemistry, teaching can be seen in a negative light, I really am mostly content with myself and I wouldn't change them for the world. I like being 'uncool'. It's a statement. My faith is obviously the most important thing in my life, and as Chris once put it, 'if God exists, he's relevant to everyone'.

It's a battle between loneliness and self-actualisation.

I want to be accepted for what I am, for how is being accepted for what you're not being accepted at all? But I don't have the nerve to be obviously me. *sigh* Something I must pray 'bout.

Random word for today:

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