A Curious Girl: Not with a bang

So, today. The last proper day of school. The beginning of study leave.

The last registration, promises of Dr. A's leaving assembly. The leaving assembly was very funny, but persoally I think Dr. A spoiled it by trying too hard. Usually he has a gentle humour that's funny even though sometimes it's quite hard to understand why. Today's jokes were funny but cheap, taking the mick out of some of the students a little too much in places, I felt.

(My personal favourite bit was when Dr. A pulled out a book with a topless hunk on it, and said, 'What this was doing in Christina's locker...' which made me laugh, only for Dan (in my form - or ex-form) to raise his hand and say, 'Can I have that back please?')

The last PSE lesson was not a PSE lesson at all, the boys made modern art out of the lab supplies (we were in Mr. B's lab) and Elaine dodged my camera. We went to find Dr. C so she could sign my book (my last lesson with her was Monday) but we couldn't find her. I saw Mr. E in his room with no class, so I decided to get him to sign my book then instead doing it after my Chemistry lesson today. I asked if I could take his picture to add to my collection (I have Mr. B grinning, Dr. D soaked, Dr. A reading our collection of quotes, Diggers smiling... I got Dr. C's during break...) and he gave this funny embarrassed smile... I now have a photo of him standing by the board about to write, yes, actually smiling. So don't doubt it, folks :) (well, I know you never did, but even people on Friends Reunited that knew him doubt it.)

He said something like, 'One feels rather mean... you're just one student' or something, but I didn't work out what he meant, I don't think he finished his sentence. Maybe I misheard, I don't know.

Chemistry was fairly usual, and then at break I went to find Dr. C who wrote a lovely comment in my book :) I got a picture of Matt in a dress from charity week which I stuck into my book, as Matt was wielding a Polaroid camera and a collection of photos. Abi took a picture of me. I love Polaroids, though I'd never swap my Digital.

Christina and I went up to the Prefects room. The whole place seemed bare, the posters were down, the fridge was open and obviously off, Bob (the prefect idol... they're a twisted bunch of people, I tell you! :)) had his 'sunglasses' (a black wonderbra) askew. I took pictures of Christina and Bob, and Videesha, and the Prefects milled around. We left after that to go find Mrs. T and Mr. DE, my psychology teachers from last year, to sign my book. Mr. DE was quite surprised, left a lovely comment though. I found Mrs. T later, she called me 'the deserter' :) It was so strange, she left a little wordplay thingy that was exactly the same as what the headmaster of my primary school had written on our last day there.

YYUR
YYUB
ICUR
YY4ME

I also got the boy I had a massive crush on Year 8/9 to sign my book. I was sort of hoping that he'd ask me to sign his book because then I could write, 'You know that Valentine's card from Year 8? That was from me' :) He did actually know, but it still would have been amusing. Christina and I sat on a bench during our last period before lunch, and chatted. Ricci and Don came along - they had their physics exam this afternoon. Mrs H, Abi's form tutor, complained that we should go home, but not in an unfriendly way - just tired, I guess. Chris and I went to see if anyone would turn up to Alive. Eventually Rob did, the boy who's not even really a Christian yet! We didn't get the key for the room so we just sat outside on the grass and chatted. We were praying when Mr. C (the Spanish/French teacher with odd mannerisms!) came along and started nodding, so I put a rather hurried stop to my prayer and we chatted for a bit. I told him I'd be sure to get up to lots of snogging and he said, 'I recommend it!'

He wrote 'Suerte' in my book - good luck.

James came along - he had his physics exam too - Christina went off to go swimming and I hugged my Year 12 friends who were there - David, Ricci, James, Will etc.! did I hug Duck? I can't remember! silly me.

Then eventually I decided to leave. I went to Grandad's but he and Alex were just about to go out. So I went to catch the bus, wondering if someone, anyone could be around to make my day complete. Christina was at swimming, Abi had gone swimming in another pool with Lee. Sara's in the Midlands, and I only have one photo of her - it's a picture of her back. I miss her so much. Nicky's probably not in the locality. The Year 12s were mostly in exams, except for Lucy, but I felt odd about calling her, even though she's such a good friend, because I've never just asked if she wanted to meet up, she's always just been a friend from school and the nearby church. I could settle for Steve and his bike, for riding pillion somewhere, or even for Jenny who I haven't spoken to properly yet unless you count since before we went to secondary school. At the bus stop I saw loads of people across the road at a pub, they called to me, and I thought about joining them, but I don't really know them and that would just make me feel worse.

For some reason, I feel lonely, and although I know I'm only leaving, I'm not losing, because all I have is deep inside me, I still feel lost. I thought about making a trip to my primary school, maybe chatting to my old teachers for a while, but then I remembered that the Jubilee has probably taken them all off on a trip somewhere, that seems to be the normal procedure for primary schools in this area. And by the time I got there it would probably be near hometime. So I texted Jenny on the bus, and waiting for my second one I got a reply. She was at a pub, she's made a speech, apparently everyone was crying and photographs being taken. But crying for the end of good times would be so much better than this inexplicable feeling, this strange emptiness I can't understand. I recognised the pub and thought about asking if I could meet her there, before I realised the idiocy of gate-crashing a leaving party, where they're celebrating each other.

I got in at last, fed the cat and went upstairs. Checked my e-mail, went onto msn, but no-one was online. I prayed for a bit, but didn't really know what else to say, so I went and watched Harry Potterand decided to ignore my feelings for the time being.

I talked to Tricia online afterwards, she said it was a shame, from what she heard, 'the lads have been having fun since school finished.' I wanted to say, 'Thanks, you've made me feel so much better' but I know she wasn't being nasty and what do you say? It seems like an anti-climax. And yes, I'm grateful, there have been so many good times. But it's over, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Random word for today:

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