A Curious Girl: Life goes on...

I watch death, I watch suffering, and inexorably, my life goes on.
I have little money, too young to give blood.
I watch the scenes from far away,
I pray for justice.
I write.
And day to day my world refuses to change.
The words are a little different,
The talk has shifted subjects,
But the rushing current has pulled me past the moment.
People are trapped by time and rubble-
And I move on, unable to help,
My hands are too distant to grasp,
My help cannot reach your land;
All I can ask for is the moving of God's hand.

I saw Matt, my admirer at GB/BB tonight, as usual. I was a little mean - he asked if I'd heard about the events in America and I said, 'No, I've been living in a cave all week.' I mean, what a stupid question. I've also decided that from now on, I'm going to try to be honest with him. Matt, I hate violence. Matt, I dislike football. Matt, the chances of me going out with you are about as minimal as the chances of me going out with Keanu Reeves. Very unlikely.

There were two anonymous alcoholics from Alcoholics Anonymous in PSE/General Studies this morning. The older man talked for a bit, showed a video, and then invited 'his young friend' (23 years old) to speak. Interesting. From the way he spoke, it sounded like he'd had the power of God as well as just the support of others. And then he said 'Well it's all thanks to AA, and all thanks to God,' I cheered inwardly. I've spent the last few years learning that many Christians are wonderfully 'unreligious' (as opposed to irreligious!) meaning that they are living lives of love for God rather than just being dogmatic and ritualistic. As for me, I'm not sure I get it, I'm turning more into a 'religious' (God-loving!) nutcase every day and I seem to be getting more friends! Partly it is because God has given me the status of 'Child of God' and I don't feel the need to be 'popular' as much anymore - instead I want to love and help people, and I become friends with people who accept me as I am, instead of asking me for some standard of street cred. God has given me so much - under his care I've gained so much.

Along other lines a few days ago I had a little revelation. You may have read the 101 facts about me and remember that I mentioned I had given two serious Valentine's cards in my life. Well, one was to David, a long and rather pukeworthy in places crush (but mostly deserving :-) ) on last year's head boy. Incidentally, he's on Alex's (my 12 year old uncle!) year seven photo as prefects always feature in them now, so it's embarrassing but true that my Grandad has a picture of him! The other card was to a boy name Chris in my class, when I was 13, back in Year 8. A month or so after receiving it, the big mystery was out, and oh my, how embarrassing. I wasn't very popular in my class, but Chris has been very nice to me; however, when someone asked him, 'How do you find out who sent you a Valentine's card?' his answer was 'Oh, go to a mental hospital.' That is so clear in my mind - like a short video clip. It was so hurtful - he'd just basically said that sending a Valentine's card was pathetic - and I'd already believed that he wouldn't want to go out with me as I was unpopular and not the kind of girl you'd want to be seen with really. But the other day I was thinking of something and reran the clip in my mind... Flashback! Chris said, 'Go to a mental hospital' and I suddenly realised that he was actually saying, how ridiculous to want to send him a Valentine's card, you must be mad to fancy him!

It took me four and a half years to realise this!

I told Christina, and she said, 'It shows how your self worth has changed.' Yes, it's been a slow journey. I still know Chris, and he's actually quite a nice guy. To confess my utter patheticness, I actually carried on fancying him for a bit after he said that because I actually excused him, being so unpopular! Of course, he's forgiven (and not fancied!) now, so I never really thought about it much. But Chris was actually my first big crush - and it lasted for aaaaaages. When I eventually gave up on him, I decided it was his loss, because I would have been a pretty good girlfriend to him. Now I'm more mature and I'd rather have male friends, much less complicated - I'll save the relationships until I want to get married.

GB tonight we were just organising our show thingummy. I don't really feel at home at GB - and I feel we don't focus on God enough. Usually I tell this kind of thing to my parents but complaining that I want stuff that is more God focused would probably not interest them. I know the advice Kyle Horner (an American pastor who preached at Detling) would give - be on fire for Jesus! It is nice to be sure of this even though I can't ask him. So I'll just have to pray and get on with it.

Random word for today:

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