A Curious Girl: Maybe Angels

Ooh, tiring day. I have bought loads of Christmas presents and am now officially skint (bar the money for Detling (Christian camp, did I not tell you?), but I'm not touching that just yet). You know you're back-sliding when you are more concerned about how the hell you're gonna get that money back than whether they will like it or not. Money is not the object.

So this leads me into a deep and philosophical musing - is what you think consciously or unconsciously what counts? Freud would say unconsciously, but he's a sex-obsessed prat and plays by instinct all the time. I mean, if you are a naturally good person who never feels unconscious loathing/anger/selfishness (who are you? Can I marry you?) does this make you better than someone who does feel bad underneath but struggles to overcome this?

Hmm.

But to be honest I can't wait until summer. I like summer. I don't feel guilty getting skint because I don't have to buy anything important and it's not my 'birthday money' with which I should buy something 'special' Mum says. I wish she would not say this. It all works out the same anyway, in the end, as I would only buy presents with my other money, as if my birthday money is somehow sanctified. Jeez. It's only money. If they don't want me to buy Christmas presents with it, they ought to give me real presents.

Maybe if I ever become the matriarch of some great expansive family, I will ban expensive Christmas presents. After a bit, we only buy them because we feel we have to; buy him one because he bought me one, make it a nice present you know how much she spent on your birthday present, we don't want so-and-so to feel left out.

As you can see, I am feeling cynical today. Maybe it's because of the damn birthday money which never lasts, because face it, I've got to buy presents with something.

Mum has some stupid ideas sometimes.

I like the mortals and angels approach to presents. This was a game we played on Girls' Brigade camp, where everyone picked a name a random from the people there; even leaders. This was to be our mortal (I got Christina, which was tricky but incredibly fun). So therefore, we were to be their angel - ie. we do nice things for them, give them presents and notes to cheer them up. Ideally in person we treat them nicely as well, but don't say anything to give the game away. Basically, your angel is anonymous.

The trouble with this is, when the brigader section decided to confer on who their mortals were. This was tricky as Christina was in the room. I basically said, "I won't tell you because in the end everyone will know." They were a bit offended but when the rest noticed me sneaking a letter under Chris's bowl at breakfast, they understood. As for me, my angel was obviously a junior, but from that point on I couldn't quite decide. Anyway, it was still excellent. She sent me notes and masses of sweets (the junior philosophy on such things, I believe) and basically managed to cheer my day up. It was fun. Diversionary tactics for Christina involved

- dictating her notes to leaders, a different one for each day

- employing all manner of ways of delivering them, from breakfast bowls to hand delivery by whatever leader happened to be nearby

- complete immodesty as to her gifts (ie. when she got a 'Winnie the Pooh badge, actually from me, I showed my admiraton for it and the thoughtful person who gave it to her, which is normally too embarrassing)

- keeping up the pretense that nobody knew who my mortal was as she knew that a handful of people knew the identity of her angel (Susannah, Margaret, Charlie, Katie, Claire and Sarah who saw me buy the badge)

There were a few other tactics, but all in all she had no idea. My own angel was Leonie, a wonderful girl in my squad.

So basically, I want love instead of goodwill, happiness instead of celebration and satisfacton instead of bloatedness. Is this too much to ask?

Oh well. I think I'll go tell Mum of my decision to go to Midnight Mass. Actually I'm getting more into this; it sounds more romantic (that's me) than going for an hour before I rush off to eat Turkey. Hopefully fewer distractions too.

Random word for today:

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