A Curious Girl: More observations

Some thoughts for your consideration:

On the envy of certainty

It was mission week for the CU this week - actually it technically still is, there's one more meeting to go. I accidentally ended up at a meeting on Thursday morning. Yes, accidentally. I came across some CU people and realised they were planning the rest of their mission.

It felt more like observation than participation for me. I wasn't really supposed to be there - it turns out I'd turned up too late to share breakfast and ended up listening to the rest of their plans. It was strange watching them because I could tell that they were really excited about all that had happened, and I really wished I could be like them, with more answers than questions... God seems so silent right now, and try as I might, I can't accept their views on damnation. I know they're loving, and I know they mean well... But I don't see how they can be so certain and so at peace.

On the persistence of questions

Speaking of which, I went to a CU talk on Friday on the love of God. There were a lot of questions afterwards. All the old classics came out - about hell and forgiveness and choice and why God created us at all. I asked about why every knee will bow and every tongue will confess. After I got my answer I wondered why I'd bothered asking. I suddenly wondered if I could really ask any hard question and it would be similarly answered and dismissed. There seemed to be some non-Christians and a few malcontents who asked the same "old classics" as have been asked for centuries. I wonder what was going through their minds? Do we still have these questions because there really are no good answers, or because we can't accept the good answers? I felt quite comforted by one thing - there were people who seemed genuinely spiritually hungry, but unsure of the truth. It appears I'm not the only one ;)

OK, that's weird, Pandora's playing Yesterday Girl by The Smithereens.

I never wanna find an answer
'cause I don't like the truth
And if I find just what I'm looking for
I've something to lose
So please don't go and ask me questions
I just won't feel the same
And when I think about religion
Well, there's no one to blame

Please tell me I'm not that bad...

On the power of perception

Look at this - what is it?

If you said that it's a rectangle overlapping another rectangle, then you can marvel at the wonder of perception. There is only one rectangle in the picture - the other shape is an irregular hexagon. Since the picture only has 2 dimensions, it is impossible for one shape to overlap another.

But our brains are very clever and can work out that two such shapes are far more likely to be overlapping than simply very neatly lined up. It amazes me to think about how much we see based on previous experience (Have you ever wondered what it must be like for a baby seeing for the first time?). This is obviously extremely useful... but in a sense it also pre-conditions us to see exactly what we expect to see. Perception is a funny thing.

On the comfort of solitude

I'm sitting peacefully in the computer room listening to Pandora.com, partly because at home Kate has a number of her friends visiting. Yes, I really am that anti-social. The nice thing about solitude is you don't have to pretend you're having a good time. Kate asked if I could take her Christian friend to church tomorrow. I occasionally attend the evening service at St. Mike's so she'll probably have gone home by the time I go. Sounds crazy, but I'm kinda relieved. Kate seems to have the very sweet idea that I'll get on really well with her friend because we're both Christians. She has no idea. :)

On the fear of self

But seriously, I realised that perhaps the first step to getting courage would be to stop being afraid of myself and the idiotic things I say in social situations, the occasional embarrassments, and the very great likelihood that I have indeed failed all my January exams (the results are out, but I avoided them). I realise that having the courage to look at my own exam results is not exactly a celebrated feat of bravery, but perhaps I should walk before I can run.

Oh no, I'm beginning to sound like I'm Alice (I think).

But anyway, perhaps a really brave thing to do would be to tell Kate's friend that actually I'm disillusioned with church and am seriously reconsidering what the Bible says about salvation and eschatology.

On the offensiveness of unconditional love

A final thing that occurred to me. I thought of this a while ago, actually, when I wondered why people say things like "I don't want your charity!". People are offended by unconditional love! We frankly think we are far too good to get unconditional love. I had a friend at primary school who once confided in me that she liked me but didn't like my other two friends. I then dedicated much of my time to remaining this girl's best friend, when I should have told her to go away and come back when she'd learned to like my friends. But exclusivity is so very thrilling. Who wants to be considered just the same as everyone else? We want exclusive membership! We want to be considered worthy of love!

On the escapism of blogging

I'm off to face reality again. See you soon.

Random word for today: parsimonious

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