A Curious Girl: With less of you, there is more of God

Hello, greetings...

I am trying to write an account of Soul Survivor. It is very difficult indeed. God did some amazing stuff for me - I met fellow York University students and made some great friends. I learned very important things about faith and love.

Namely, to act with a maximum of love and a maximum of faith. And that you're not a fail if you don't succeed - you're a failure if you don't try.

At the humblest of humble CU meetings, I feel like I have felt God's presence more than I felt it this week. I feel so dreadfully left out when I see that my msn buddies seem to be gradually turning happily religious. Or at least their nicknames are. I feel like God is so far away.

At first I just thought that it was because I didn't do much for God at all this holiday. I've hardly prayed at all. On Sunday night I had the opportunity to go up to the front of the main tent with other Christians who felt their love had grown cold, and I cried and prayed and cried. People occasionally prayed for me, and probably mistook the tears for the Holy Spirit. In fact, that seemed to be happening quite a lot; it's understandable but a little unnerving when I know that it was just me.

There is more behind it though. I know that God is there, but somehow still he seems so far away. I find seeking after him at home so difficult - as a Christian I can be very immature, only wanting to serve him when I'm happy and cheerful. I desire maturity so much, and I know that God wants me to seek after him. After one of the meetings, where Pete Hughes spoke ('It was so meant for you!' Chris assured me after :) ) people prayed for me that I would not backslide after a few weeks... Considering how I felt after Detling, last year at school seems so futile. There was so much more I should have done. So they prayed for me. Afterwards, I wrote in my notepad before I left the tent, and I think it sort of explains how I feel.

I felt that God was ignoring me. It was so painful!

But I know that God is training me in perseverence. I can't stand that I enjoy God's presence and then cast it off like a cheap thrill. In staying distant, God is teaching me to hunger for him. I desire maturity so much, to be prising God whatever, to be praying even when I don't feel like it. God's distance is painful but I know his masterplan is for my good and growth. To prepare me for hard times. He has given me so much this week - links to York, the chance to share my experiences with others, and the challenge to step out in faith no matter what could happen.

People prayed for me today that I would not lose everything I have gained. I feel like this always happens - but today, although there was no dramatic outpouring of the Spirit, I feel at peace!

What do I feel like now? I'm not sure. I had a lot of fun last week - some hilarious moments - and I made new friends. And I know that a wise person loves being corrected (that's a Proverb, I can't remember which one), and in some ways I love that God is gradually turning me into a better person... As Sarah (Extra Smoothie - I'll explain later) said to me the first day, 'God accepts us as we are but loves us too much to let us stay that way.' But I'm feeling so unspiritual, such a total let-down as a Christian, and more than that... I explained to Lois on Thursday that I felt destitute without that feeling of God's presence. That night I read Psalm 102, and did, in fact, feel a little better.

Psalm 102:17 'He will answer the prayer of the destitute, he will not despise their plea.'

Destitute... what an unusual word. It was reassuring, and I get the feeling that I should have bounced around going 'Whoo, he loves me!' but no, I'm sorry, it wasn't enough. Should it have been? A Christian can't survive on Bible verses... But I'm grateful for the comfort.

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. Amen to that.

I did talk to James yesterday. I guess this entry probably doesn't make much sense if you're not a Christian, and this is no exception.

Helen says:

that's good. but i've been like this all week, hon... i'm tired :( it's hard to explain. intellectually I'm more eager to please God and work for him than ever. I'm amazed at what he's done for me. but spiritually - or maybe just emotionally - i don't feel like we have a relationship. many presents, no presence. Yet I know it's to build maturity in me and I want that so much.

Helen says:

it's like running a long race and hitting the pain barrier

Helen says:

u want to just give up but you want to finish too

James says:

thenm keep running

James says:

I'm sure I've told you what I went through from october to christmas last year....it was hard but it was worth it

Helen says:

go on... explain. u did tell me but only in the vaguest terms

James says:

*recalls events, puts into words*

James says:

*tick tock whirr whirr*

James says:

Right starting from sometime in October last year God became rather distant....I knew he was still there, heck I even still knew exactly what He wanted me to be doing and I was doing it, although it was hard I didn't let myself stop worshiping, praying or anything like that I just kept going....I realised pretty quickly I was being tested and the verse from james popped into my head and I was

James says:

kinda excited because I knew that at the end of the road I was on there was something awesome waiting for me, god wasn't letting Satan test me for no reason etc etc

James says:

Anyway despite all that it was really hard...I was literally surrounded by a blanket of darkness....a cloud that was keeping me from seeing God totally clearly and enjoying a full relationship with Him....but not stopping me from serving Him....its sort of wierd God was still there and yet He wasn't....I wans#'t doing things for me or in my own strength and yet....I was partially cut off from God

Helen says:

tell me about it hun

James says:

Anyway despite the fact i was glad in a way to be going through this I also wanted it to be over...and by december I was starting to be at the end of my tether...I literally couldn't go on any longer....or at least I didn;t think i could...so its been maybe two or three months like this....I know I haven;'t done anything wrong and that God is there literally just a few paces away watching it all

James says:

that he won't push me beyond what I can handle....so I keep going....crying out desperately but knowing that there is liht at the end of the tunnel and before I get to the end of what I can take it will be over....even if I come right up till the line I won't go past it

James says:

Anyway fast forward to the end...I'm pretty much at that line....I've had a lousy day, its christmas eve of all days....I just go upstairs to bawl my eyes out and cry out again....turn worship CD on and over the course of what must have been two or three hours (judging by the amount of music I can recall) wow. God and literally thousands of angels all crammed into my ickle bedroon

James says:

test passed, God happy, James happy....both of us knowing that I'm ready for what He has in store for me and prepared to do it

James says:

so yeah, keep going

Helen says:

thanks

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