A Curious Girl: Update on my life, at last

So much for Blogger... I haven't been able to log in due to some tricky html or security issue. Even using the browser of Incredible Evil I can't log in. So forgive me, diaryland, for ever forsaking you.

I've been wanting to write a lot lately about random stuff, but the need to be all official and diaryish gets in the way. After all, I still haven't finished an entry on Faith Camp despite having begun one about four times already. And I now have two weddings waiting to be commented on. So:

My brother's marriage to Nicky. Very classy, saw Keith and Sian, saw Gavan (my sister's ex... nice guy although obviously not as nice as the guy she married :D), was in a castle that had been converted to a hotel. Ate a lot, danced a lot with Keith and Sian, made a very half-hearted attempt to attract Ian 'the cute one'. Very sweet, a few wet eyes in the house, realised how much I miss my brother and I have to go visit him sometime. My twin cousins Sam and Jenny did a lot of dancing, and taught Sian and I the actions to Amarillo (yes, it has actions). There now, that wasn't so hard!

And recently - I headed back to Cambridge for Gemma and Duncan's wedding. They're a couple at my old church that I miss like crazy already. It was a proper church wedding in a lovely old parish church building (i.e. not my church's, who meet in a school hall). They were married by an Anclican vicar but got music from my church's band and a talk from our pastor, and it was all very lovely and beautiful. We did Amarillo at that wedding reception too. By a weird coincidence, Gemma turned out to be related to Tim P's girlfriend, Tim P. being a guy I knew from Fidonet a few years ago. So I saw him and we enjoyed the weird coincidence.

Also, which may be some kind of demonstration of my faith, I needed a lift back to Cambridge after the reception and so prayed that I'd find someone who'd give me one. My eyes settled on a leader of my old church. "Not him... I don't really know him" I thought, "So can't ask him." So I went to ask Duncan (the groom) if anyone was heading back my way and he immediately said, "Oh, Kevin is..." Kevin being the guy my eyes had settled on. Coincidence? Perhaps :)

And Faith Camp was awesome. I basically relearnt that God is all-powerful, and that he loves me a lot and doesn't want me to settle for doubt and depression and timidity. In fact, since joy is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), feeling depressed definitely isn't from God! Yay!

Coming back from Faith Camp was tough though. Trouble is, Faith Camp was really great, but it's so easy to be a great Christian when surrounded by lots of other enthusiastic Christians. Unfortunately, in the 'real world' is where it really matters. I find it so easy to settle for a cosy manageable little faith that comforts me but never stirs me up or moves me to action. I get so scared of failure. It's good to be reminded of the adage, "You're only a failure if you don't try" :) There's no point dreaming nice dreams if I don't have the courage to act on them. And there's no point me being a Christian if I don't trust God to do things! I find it a real challenge to live with genuine faith, believing that God really is powerful and really does answer prayers. I think it's easy to settle for a kind of faith where God doesn't do anything. The treacherous thing is, we trick ourselves into believing that this is a strong faith in God, accepting that he doesn't do everything we want him to... And of course God doesn't do everything we want him to, but I believe there are times he'll want us to trust him - perhaps with healing, or a financial issue, or something else - and we'll say, "But just in case you can't help me, God..."

And this isn't faith, this is doubt. It's faith to say, "You know best," but not faith to say, "I'll do it all myself." So this is where I am at the moment - fighting complacency... still meaning to finish tidying my room and write up my project report (yes, I have to pray for the strength to do it :D ) and trying to spend more time with God so I can understand more about him. And have more faith.

(Yeah, it's 2am. I couldn't sleep. Which is why this entry is a bit incoherent. But hey, you got an entry, so don't complain :))

Random word for today: fouter

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