A Curious Girl: Philosophical about the job

A few more things about my job (if you find this boring, I don't blame you. Go read something else, like Alice, Penfold, or do the Harry Potter Wizard Challenge).

For one thing, I found out on Monday about some more rules I've already broken. I found out that my co-workers like to gossip. I found out that training, at least 'business basics' is a bit of a farce. I didn't actually take much in.

*Sigh* I wrote a massive long entry on Sunday, about how depressed being shy and uncertain and timid makes me. I cried my eyes out. I wondered how to tell my friends who are used to insufferably bouncy attention loving me, loud and friendly me... I cried some more. I clicked the button and all that happened was my entry vanished. I cried a heck of a lot.

I am feeling a bit better now. But here's the truth, the complete and utter truth - I hate my job. I told Steve this and his main comment was 'Didn't take you long!' I am not yet really friends with anyone, although there are some nice people. I don't like the tasks I have to do, the pressuring from my annoying co-worker to get them done quickly, the way when I am rushed I invariably spill things, the training system which teaches me the rules after I have broken them, I don't like feeling lonely, I don't like feeling inadequate and pushed, I don't like feeling unsatisfactory, I don't like feeling I'm the fresh idiot who doesn't know anything about anything. In short, I hate my job. The money is the only thing I like (I don't even like the hours!) and even that, from what I heard on Monday, is not as much as I'm certain I heard the manager say it was. Certainly not until I am 18.

On the other hand, I am not giving up. Partly because I need money for driving lessons etc. and partly because... well. Because I want to prove that I am not going to stay the fresh idiot who doesn't know anything about anything. And because... I listened to my co-workers talking on Monday. They need Jesus! *grin* And it reminded me of when in God's Smuggler, Andrew writes about his job, how he said to God something along the lines of 'this may be missionary ground but it's not for me' but at the end of his time there, the worst of his hecklers had become a Christian along with several others! For one thing, I know I must learn that it's God's work, not mine, that changes lives. And then... well, I brought this up in CU. Mentioned I hate my job but my co-workers need Jesus. And I said, 'Well, on one hand I'm kinda excited that God could use me in that way... on the other hand, I'm terrified of them!' James seemed to find this rather amusing, and raised how he always feels terrified doing big stuff for God like leading the service, even though he should know better than to worry. I know just how he feels. I am scared among new people, if that hasn't become obvious enough - or should I say, I'm scared to be the new person. But... I know God is with me. I've got to trust that he will get me through, that when I walk his ways he will be protecting me every step of the way.

And another thing! I was chatting over msn to James pretty soon after I got the job, telling him how now I have an income I'm well within my comfort zone... so I'll have to find ways to get out! He loled and said 'good girl' - getting out of comfort zone appears to be James's obsession :-) The job itself - it seems to be attempting to see just how far out of my comfort zone it can become. But God can teach me through that. He doesn't like me to be unhappy but he's not the kind of parent who wraps their child in cotton wool. I am still utterly petrified about this job that I hate. But... I'm willing to do it. If this is where God wants me, this is where I'll stay. I know he is faithful.

Random word for today:

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