A Curious Girl: Pillowfight!!!

S'been a funny kind of day really. Psychology, we did Zimbardo's prison simulation and hell was that scary. Mrs. T actually got quite tearful. And at lunch , the pillowfight.

I was nervous beforehand, thinking about doing a runner. I didn't know where to go and I couldn't see David anywhere to wish him good luck (and psyche him out :-) ) Claire R (my class) knew I was fighting, so Lindsey or Claire D (organising) must have told her. Hmm, did they find this amusing? I don't really mind. As long as they were laughing...

After seeing Luke W (some boy...) try and fail to mount the pole (note- both contenders balance on a pole in the gym an try to knock the other one off with a pillow.) I realised that I would probably fail... I tried to cheer loudly for the others but I had the sinking feeling that I was about to be humiliated. The other David in CU said, "Oh come on, is he going to hit you?" Truth is, he's too nice; but this was bad, it got me thinking about how much I used to like him. USED to LIKE him. If I say this enough times hopefully I will believe that every word is meaningful.

So he came out, and I realised I had seen him, just not recognised him. He had gone all Farmer Giles, with a padded stomach and brown fluffy stick on sideburns, and a hat to match. I couldn't help laughing. And I started moving forward when the announcement came.

I walked to the front, and there we were, showing off like a couple of shy extroverts - confident enough to shout, but not enough to talk. He's like that, I'm like that. I waved my arms in the air, seeing briefly Rachel (shares Psychology with me) cheering in the crowd, not catching anyone else as I was trying to avoid the faces of people who knew too much about me and David. I saw a sea of uniforms, and the faces were unknown. He tried to get up, failed; I tried to get up and failed, although probably looked more elegant about it, as I have my pride to consider.

I decided to be more casual than Luke, and as the lads in the upper sixth helped him up, I said, "You're gonna have to help me up too, I'm afraid."

We're both short, stocky people. At least, he's short and stocky - I'm petite and curvy! So we were up. I couldn't even pull myself up to him as first, and I felt completely off balance, but in the meantime David was exchanging a remark about the pain /between/ /his/ /legs/ if you see what I mean, from balancing on the pole. Mr. G (a biology teacher, organising) made some sexist remark about pink for the ladies and blue for the gents as we were handed our pillows, and then we heard the instruction - begin on the first whistle, end on the second.

The whistle blew.

There was a pause. "Go on then!" someone yelled, and I started just before he did.

At first I thought I'd be knocked off straight away. He was hitting my hips and the force was such that I was almost toppling. I was hitting back, but it didn't seem to be doing anything. Then I straightened my legs and managed to stay balanced properly, focussing on my own weight and not the force of his pillow, whilst trying to hit him somehow, anyhow. Face, waist, hips you name it. It didn't seem to be working. Then he start wobbling, moving back, dodging, and falling off melodramatically. Why not do it in style? He pretended to be knocked out, and I was waving my arms in the air, but the feeling was that he let me win.

I didn't mind, because it's much better than humiliation. It's ridiculous to take a pillowfight so seriously, but people are stupid and maybe so am I. I wanted to say, "Sorry" or "Good fighting" or just shake his hand good naturedly but he was doing his play acting so I couldn't. Nicola said congratulations, and Chris hugged me and said, "Now how did that feel?" but I wasn't feeling particularly victorious, although I had enjoyed knocking him off.

Afterwards I saw his bag disappearing, and wanted to say, "Thanks for not humiliating me," but he was gone.

I walked back feeling strange. Happy that I won, but sad because I hadn't talked to him, and remembering yesterday when I spoke him and he had been friendly. And thinking, "I'm having a serous relapse and maybe the only way to get rid of a crush is to replace it with another crush." And singing "Love gets me every time" and "Whatever you do! Don't!" by Shania Twain, which are both about trying not to fall in love and doing it anyway. If I start singing songs like that I'm going to end up believing them. He wasn't at CU, although he was last week. And when Michael (Chris's ickle bruv) remarked what an idiot he looked, I thought of the laughs and said, "I thought he looked quite good actually."

Christina said it was just me.

If that's true, I'm doomed.

Random word for today:

<< last entry ... next entry >>
top of page

Give food for free.