A Curious Girl: Through the eye of a needle

'It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God,' Jesus once said.

I'm beginning to understand.

I don't know where I belong anymore. Before I was secure, knowing my place and my role. Now... I still feel tentatively balanced, between a fired-up eagerness to move on and a despair that tells me to give up.

I'm not sure who I am. And yet I feel closer to knowing who I am than I ever have been, as if I've never known but not quite realised it before.

I went back to school today. The idea was to pick up my A-level certificates, spend some time with my old friends, and go to the Christian Union Christmas party. At the office I was told that I couldn't pick up my A-level certificates, I had to wait until next term, but Dr. A told me I could come to the certificate presentation evening, and actually rather vehemently persuaded me to.

I spent the lunchtime where I always used to spend lunchtimes - the formroom where Duck, David, Mark, James, Lucy and Evil Dave tend to spend their lunchtimes. You know, Duck being mad exhibitionist Christian, David being a Harry Potter fan, he's one of those people I can talk to for ages, Mark being a Babylon 5 fan (heh - he's not obsessive, it's just rare :)) and going out with 'little Helen' (I discovered recently that I'm known as 'big Helen'). James being zealous Christian, Lucy being lovely friendly Christian, Evil Dave being the mastermind of 'Kentucky Fried Christians'. Et cetera. Other people too, but I've never mentioned them so I won't confuse you :) We did normal friendish things, talked, exchanged stories and jokes.

It was strange to return to the all but unchanged place after I seem to have had so much non-school life between this and my last visit. But it was nice - comforting. I saw a couple of teachers and even waved to Dr. D whilst he was teaching. He waved back and all his pupils turned around to look. I even saw Dave, Christina's now ex. It was a little awkward but we did chat. I returned in the afternoon to go to Christian Union - saw a few new faces, which was nice, and old friends, equally nice. We played the 'Chocolate game', that old favourite. I went to Grandad's.

Then the evening was the Presentation. Dad and Grandma were my guests, Dr. A and the head made the usual speeches, and I shook someone's hand even though they didn't have my certificates because they had been put aside for me at the office! ('Helen did actually pass,' Mr. C contributed.) Mrs. P, terrifying but lovely careers teacher, went and got them for me. I couldn't help but reflect how Abi (whereabouts currently unknown! She's probably back from France now) and Sara (who left school early) were notably absent. This wasn't the real event - the real event was probably this afternoon, or maybe it'll even Neil's party on Saturday. It was mainly a trivial formality. I did see someone who now goes to my uni, he knows of Matthew because of Matthew's campaigning in his college, I think :)

I don't think I'm going to see much of Christina this holiday :( She was at the presentation evening and of course she came to visit last week, but grr, I miss her, we used to do such a lot together! I've got loads of hours to work, and everyone keeps saying, 'Well the money's worth it' but I'm not really sure.

So yes, when I was at school, I considered myself rich. And now? I have Matthew, Keith and Sian, without whom I'd probably go mad, I have Dr. H's 'thoughts for the day', night prayer, Dougsoc, my creative writing and well, I know a lot of nice people. I guess it hit home, wandering my old school, how much I'd made a home there, and in some bizarre way, people there feel rather like family. Sounds like a genuine sad geek thing to say, probably.

I'm glad I have to leave, and that I might as well go to university if I'm going to go anywhere, because if I could stay I would never move on. I do believe that God wants me where I am, but sometimes it's painful, I suppose it hurts because I have trouble letting go. Because I wish everything were as easy as it used to be. I guess I'm just going to have to face up to the fact that I'm not just going to settle in easy to my 'place' at uni, everyone will immediately see me for who I am and I'll suddenly be aware of where I belong. I have to work at it, have to overcome my shyness and have to be patient and not give up. I have to accept that no matter how in debt I'll be, at the end of university I'll be much 'richer' than I was.

'Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...'

Random word for today: Matriculation

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