A Curious Girl: Seeking first

I was meant to have a phonecall today about my job I was doing the On the Job Experience for... I didn't. Probably because I answered one question kinda stupidly on the test thingummy they gave me. I'm still a bit disgusted though. And depressed about it.

But! On to more cheerful things! My relationship with God has certainly had its ups and downs this week... Last night I thought I'd pray then sleep, then I ended up reading some of Adrian Plass's Father to the Man and then going downstairs and watching television for about an hour, such are my timewasting skills. I tried to think why I insist on doing such things when I know I need sleep, and why I spend so much time on the Internet and such a small time seeking God. It being past midnight at that time, I was able to admit to myself the reason outright. I don't know why, but it's much easier to be honest with myself when it's quiet and dark. I thought, 'I might as well enjoy myself with something small instead of holding out for something big that might not happen.' (I should have added, 'in the way I want it to' but that's beside the point). Then I thought, hey Esau thought that way and look what happened to him. It's in Genesis somewhere - Jacob bargains Esau's inheritance for a bowl of soup, and if that's not a good deal I don't know what is. And Esau, having just committed one of the most idiotic acts in the Bible, was sick as an ex-parrot (worry not, that's merely some Pythonised English slang). So instead of staying up to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show with Mum, I went to bed.

Woke up this morning far too early. Unlike everyone else, I was in dire need of my extra hour (Daylight Savings!), and several more too. Read more Adrian Plass whilst attempting to get to sleep. Read the title story of Father to the Man which I love.

Got to... ah yes... the bit where Paul is explaining why the name 'Jesus' makes him feel physically sick. He goes into a pretty detailed speech about his reasons. And the Christian he's talking to is understandably quite upset by this. He responds (um, this is copyright Adrian Plass, but I'm pretty certain he wouldn't mind me quoting it) 'I got upset, Paul, because the things I believe are not just a set of ideas or a way of living or anything like that. For me it's all about the Jesus that you think of as a spineless twit. The thing is that... well, I love him, you see. I love Jesus... (he then goes on to talk about God's pain because of what Jesus had to do on the cross) All that father's love raging with pain and grief until he was safely back again. That's what happened with Jesus on the cross, and it's still happening over and over again when people can't see what he's done for them. That's why I got so upset, and I can't help it because it means everything to me.'

That's the basic drift. If you want all of it, read the story!

Anyway, I read this, and thought to myself, I'm a Christian, why don't I think like this?

It was kinda similar to at the beginning of the week when I read both Nicky's and Jonathan's moods and they were both very much passionately in love, aah :-) They are so made for each other. It reminded me of how I've felt about God, but wasn't feeling at the moment. I wanted to get that passion back but I hadn't a clue how to do it.

The trouble was, I realised, that I was all for God giving me a mad passion so long as that didn't mean, eg. cutting down on internet time, spending more time talking to him and reading my Bible, more time doing homework and more time serving my friends (and enemies!! :-) not that I have any). Having a passionate experience would be nice so long as it didn't draw attention from me or mean that I have to do things God's way if God's way is not my way.

I promised cheerfulness, didn't I?? :-) Well, it's cheerful because it reminded me of my side of the bargain after Detling - I carry the bucket, he gives the water; he knocks on the door, I open it. And because whilst I was running my own life this week and not relying on God, I inevitably (to use an interesting expression) ballsed it up! God is so much better than me. I know from experience that the more I rely on him, the more my life works. The more I spend time with God and in his presence, the more I go out with my renewed vision and I do things right. As much as I'd like to just sit around and enjoy watching TV, I know it'd be empty and unsatisfying. So I prayed about it. I turned off my computer and thought about how I'll pray when I get in just to alleviate my guilt before another night spending much more time on here than I need to. I'm sorry, this sounds like I'm wallowing in guilt to me, I don't mean it to, honest :-) The point is, I mucked up. But it's OK that I did, because I went and opened that door again (read Revelation 3:20!) and God was still waiting. And we chatted, then I went to Church - not my normal one, a nearer one - and found myself utterly bouncy :-). I really enjoyed the worship. I also noticed that the congregation don't sound as good as the one at my normal church, the songs were older and the music group weren't really as good.

God, I'm sorry I shut you out so much. Please come back and make my life dynamic for you.

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