A Curious Girl: A calm and collected me (/sarcasm)

I'm going to tell you before I lose the nerve.

I mucked up. Seriously.

Chris and I prayed for Invasion last night. Went there today expecting good things to happen. Good things may have happened... but I wasn't there to see them.

Some Year 11s stole the clock... put it back later but didn't put it on properly, it ended up broken as it kept falling off, mainly due to the paper balls that the Year 8s kept throwing at it. If it continues like this, they're gonna force us to stop, and seeing as we were doing it for them in the first place, that's just crappy logic. It's not like they have to come.

But they were being soo... rowdy. Stupid. Causing as much hassle as possible, and laughing about the damage they were causing to the clock. I grabbed one, livid. 'I don't think that's very funny.' I whacked his arm in anger.

The weirdest thing is, on its own this isn't much of a crime. I'm pretty certain I didn't cause any pain - it's where I usually hit people when we're play-fighting, but the point was, I meant it. I'm ashamed... 'violence is the last refuge of the competent', 'do not let your anger cause you to sin', 'no fighting in here!', 'corporal punishment is wrong... punishing children with violence encourages them to do the same'... I'm a pacifist. Now it appears I'm not a very good one. What am I going to be like as a teacher? A hypocrite? I screamed 'You are all driving me insane' - I didn't mean it, just feigning insanity, maybe making them all laugh would have taken away from the fact that I'd just stepped over the line in a way that could not be defended or described in any way other than wrong. It shook me up... I've never ever done that before. I've thought about it with a couple of kids, but always retained sufficient control.

I left. Went and tried to find somewhere private to calm down, and as I realised I would have to do, cry. I came back for my bag, wanting to apologise but he'd gone to detention. I left, Christina followed me and we talked for a bit. The kids (I really shouldn't call them that) saw me upset - one boy this afternoon asked if I was feeling better, which was nice, and told me that I should have hit him hard, which was not really nice but at least means that in their eyes I didn't sink too low. Chris said the boy probably thought I was mucking about and then got a bit scared when he realised I was serious. Weirdly, that tore me up both ways... 'probably thought you were mucking about' -relief- 'got a bit scared' -amused! (I rarely scare people, it was a funny thought), almost pleased to have had an effect at last- 'realised you were serious' -horror. I'm never that serious.

I'm going to try and find him tomorrow to apologise.

Random word for today:

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