A Curious Girl: Looming deadlines and skintness

It's been a stressful evening. Mum didn't like my plan for the Noise (see last entry) - said I have to do it with my money. I'm not even sure how much money I have. Grr. And she thinks I'm not trying hard enough with the job. I'm not even sure how to try harder. Most of the places I went to didn't have vacancies. And Clive just seems... volatile? Don't know. I seem volatile. We're a chemical reaction just waiting to happen.

Hope I have enough cash. I still have Mum's birthday present to buy. She'll probably have to have candles or something, because unless I can find the CD she wants, and afford it (big if) I'll have no idea what to get her.

And I so do not want a job at McDonalds. They sell crappy food to children and make far too much money. They also over-stress their workers. Pity their ice-cream tastes so nice.

And I didn't get around to explaining my room tidying scheme (giving Clive my computer keyboard). I'd probably feel more comfortable in the mess. Mess isn't very demanding. High entropy reigns in my bedroom. Mum insisted that one day was long enough for room tidying. And that feeling of inadequacy (in picking two days instead of being Miss Efficient and only needing one) just made me want to bury myself in my junk. So much for encouragement.

Jeez, Mum and me are both incredibly volatile. We cry at the faintest hint of inadequacy. I've noticed this over the years. We also cry at frustration. At plans going wrong. I guess Mum saying it shouldn't take me as long goes down in experience next to me being late with work every now and again. It's really the misplaced treatment of another worry. My stupid brain.

But Nicola called and said that Gala Bingo need people over the holidays. So maybe I will get work! Yay! (Sorry, I'll try and knock off the miserable tone now) Not too keen on Bingo, but if I write off every job as immoral I'll probably end up doing voluntary work. Not that that's a bad thing, just I need money.

I got kinda frustrated with God. Why is it that when everything seems to be going great something just has to come and spoil it all? I mean, surely God gives proper solutions to problems, not just ones that parents trash as soon as you mention them (Mum said that the ticket she would buy me had to be used for jobhunting - I couldn't use it for the Noise unless I bought my own ticket.) So that made me rather annoyed. But then I checked up on Lo and found that she had a job! Yay! Which was indeed a priority to my job :-) as I'm not gonna starve if I don't have one. So thank you God lots and lots.

It's just... it seems terribly haphazard. God intervenes, God doesn't intervene, how does he decide? Does anyone know the answers?

Another thing I wish my parents would learn is that nagging and pressurizing me only work to a point. I mean, it's just slowly convince me more and more that I am a hopeless failure not meeting standards, and who wants to employ one of them? The Not-so-terribly-good club of Great Britain? Well, only them. Wish they'd encourage me a bit more. I feel like I'm constantly working to a goal they move back as soon as I meet it. I don't quite dare bring up my new idea for voluntary work. WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB? WHAT ABOUT YOUR A-LEVELS? TIDY YOUR ROOM! QUICKER THAN THAT!

Yeah, mess is very undemanding. It doesn't set deadlines, it doesn't tell you to organise yourself, it doesn't ask you to look nice, give all the proper answers, and act like everyone else, and it knows that a messy mind contains lots of hidden treasures that eventually you're going to step on and, after yowling with pain, use. Messy minds usually just contain too much stuff. That's my opinion :-)

Hebrews 13:5 - Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be satisfied with what you have. God has said, 'I will never leave you; I will never forget you.'

Plus I spent ages trying to use Excel to do a simple graph for my psychology coursework. So it isn't quite finished. And every time I think of not handing everything in, I get images in my head of Universities - hand it in late and you'll get marks off. I shouldn't have left the experiment so late. I'm so glad I'm not going to do a degree in psychology. And that this is the only coursework I'm gonna do, and my experiment's over.

I'm feeling a little better now about my God worries. I'm really glad that Lo's got a job, that's for certain, 'cause reading her diary I've been getting kinda worried. And I know that I'm not making perfect sense, and that life doesn't make perfect sense if you only know your bit of it, and I know that I'll see some sense in this senseless hassle at some point. Hope I have enough money for the Noise.

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