A Curious Girl: Surrender

Still feeling weird. Every time I think I've found a solution to my Hell angst I end up angsting again.

Actually, reading the Bible I'm convinced that salvation is a lot more complicated than some people would have us believe. I went to a party last night and we ended up debating Hell. There was a guy who agreed with me that Hell isn't scriptural (hopefully more on this later, but in short 'eternal torment' is an idea adapted from ancient pagan religions to scare people into behaving). I've been reading more of the Old Testament and feeling surprisingly cheered despite all the anger and lamenting. In Ezekiel it says that God takes no pleasure from the death of the wicked. I'm also comforted by the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee - the Pharisee revels in his righteousness and the tax collector says, "God have mercy on me, a sinner." The tax collector goes home justified. I feel this simple truth is one we Christians often neglect - that we have all done wrong, and that God honours a simple humble confession. I've been extremely proud lately, deciding I know exactly what's best and projecting my idea of truth onto God instead of asking him to project his truth onto me. And yet I think we put too much emphasis on doctrine and not enough on attitude. I believe and trust that God is compassionate - that he wants to heal us, that he longs for us to turn from destructiveness much more than he longs for us to learn the right Bible verses and go to the right meetings.

I don't really know everything - in fact, as usual, I find I know very little - but I'm cheered by Yancey's What's so Amazing about Grace?. I think we Christians (or me, at least, feel free to add your name here :) )often forget about grace. Jesus said the most important commandments were to love God and love other people (enemies included!) so, although he knows I'm in a mess about specific theology, I hope at least that he can accept me as I am, attempting, at least, to dedicate myself to what I believe is good and loving, and attempting to trust him! Through all this angsting, I'm simply reminded that I'm not perfect. So I simply throw up my hands and tell God so, and since he's God, he can do what he likes :)

I dunno. I actually feel that the more I read, the less I understand. But I do at least get the feeling that God would rather I be messy and loving rather than sound, sensible, knowledgeable... and not loving at all. He can enlighten me in his own time, and I can try and serve him as best I can now. Since I can't be perfect, I'll have to settle for being honest :)

"For when perfect comes, the imperfect disappears... I know in part, but then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Random word for today: forbearance

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