A Curious Girl: Because ordinary sinners become Christians too

(Explanation of jargon-speak - a 'testimony' is an explanation of all the good things God has done in a person's life, usually used to mean 'how I became a Christian' but also for anything more recent. Kinda like a lifestory - the story of gaining life. Or maybe a love story, a story of the greatest love.)

I got in late on Friday, already feeling crap.

With characteristic masochism, I checked my e-mails and my buddy list. Saw that ABC had updated, and went to read her site. There were interesting links to people's testimonies - the one I read on Friday was about a woman who had followed Satan and magic (the existing bad kind, not the made-up, Harry Potter, point wand and recite magic words kind) and then became a Christian after being prayed for an making a pretty amazing confession of faith.

Anyway, I got onto to reading the power of my testimony, and it being late at night (probably early morning in fact), the whole thing was rather depressing. Not being able to think of anything, I panicked. Because...

I haven't converted thousands

I haven't healed anyone of a terminal disease

I haven't been healed of a terminal disease

When I became a Christian, I wasn't on drugs, a notorious atheist, a bully, or anything like that, and I haven't (yet) given up anything major for God.

In Church yesterday, I wasn't feeling too good. To start off with, anyway. I was feeling bad about the stuff I wrote in yesterday's entry, and this whole testimony thing. Surely my testimony is seriously not good enough? (rhetorical question)

We sang 'Jesus is the name we honour', and I thought about how great he is, and hoe I really do want to honour him, and then that got me thinking about my testimony again. I'm going to tell you it now. It'll probably take me ages, so bear with me.

When I was little, I was raised by my lapsed Catholic mother, a single parent, and until I was about five, my grandmother helped raised me too. She eventually moved out to marry again, and it was Mum and I mostly on our own.

I was a shy-ish, impressionable, fairly average kid. God was like a more distant but more plausible version of Santa. They'd both sometimes give me stuff I wanted, and I had the feeling that both would look over any naughty things I did so long as I didn't do something really bad, like steal money or something. Well, Santa did, I wasn't sure about God but my death was years away so that was all right. My only vague worry was that I hadn't been christened, and practically everyone I knew had been, and a girl who was my friend when I was about ten reckoned she was a Catholic because she'd been christened one.

(Now the weird thing is, Christina, who'd been my friend since we'd played My Little Pony and Narnia, one of those sickeningly intelligent people, had not been christened. Whenever we asked her, she always said she was going to get baptised.)

Like I said, Christina was sickening intelligent, loved 'the old fashioned way of life' (I heard her utter this once when we were eight, so I can swear by it :-) ), was in the Girls' Brigade (which sounded like a lot of fun, but Mum wouldn't let me go at the time), was possibly a bit shy, was 'religious' and liked sci-fi and fantasy. I liked sci-fi and fantasy too, and that was all we really agreed on, I think (I got her The Magician's Nephew and The Horse and his Boy for her birthday and she got told off for reading when she was meant to be hosting her party). In any case, I was happy to join in when my friends made fun of her believing in God, although I always had a slight feeling of unease - if he did exist, he was going to be rather annoyed with me. But it was a fairly safe bet that he didn't.

I talked to Christina one day when we were eleven about the whole God thing. She reckons now that she wasn't really a Christian at the time I became one, but I think that even if she'd hit a low point when I was talking to her and thinking about my faith, she was still open to God, even just a little bit, because if she hadn't have been, I don't think I'd even remember that conversation now.

She told me about different types of belief. I can't remember who started the conversation - I have the weird feeling I did, but that seems a little out of character, especially considering that Christina was the one I always associated with starting these conversations. It doesn't matter. But I learned I was an agnostic - I wanted to believe, a bit, at least, but then I didn't. Her faith impressed me.

(I can only recall two things from R.E. when I was that age - 'the sheep and the goats' and the conversion of Paul. For the former, I could see the point of the King accepting all those who'd looked after the sick and needy and sending away all those who hadn't. And I remember that I wanted to be a 'sheep', although I don't think I thought I'd actually get there. As for Paul, I remember thinking that it would be really good if God did that nowadays because it would be much easier to believe in him.)

A very little while after that, or maybe even before, we chose our secondary schools, and both Christina and I picked the same school. Mum was convinced that that school was best, and had persuaded me the same.

I can't remember doing anything much that Summer Holiday except reading and visiting the London Dungeon with my friend Jennifer. I read the book Heidi for the first time (in fact, I reviewed it last night) and found in it the profession of a faith I found myself really yearning for. For the first time, I began praying regularly. In time, I attained this magnificent sense of wonder in God, although I still understood very little. I found the faith I was looking for.

Back to school in September, and I started walking part of the way to school with Christina. I was the only one from my old school in my class, and I had trouble making new friends, so I stayed friends with her. When I think about it, it appears that for once my shyness seems to have been a good thing! Because I don't know whether I would have stayed friends with the girl they called 'boff' and stigmatised as uncool. But I'm glad I did, because I soon enough realised that she was anything but uncool. We saw this poster for a Christian Union and I suggested going. I don't think I ever said I am a Christian to Chris, but I told her about me praying and she eventually re-invited me to Girl's Brigade. I went and carried on going. Plus, she 'badgered' me to come to Church and I did and discovered lots of great things, like you don't have to sing boring songs to God, there are great songs like 'We wanna see Jesus lifted high' (my favourite for a while) and 'Over the Mountains and the Sea', that help you see the wonder of God and give you some way to get your worship out! Besides, when you're in that state of mind, whatever you sing to worship is good.

I'm not sure if she even remembers it now, but Christina told me that she'd prayed to have a Christian friend at her new school... She said having me was even better. It's one of those things I remember every now and again, and it always cheers me up. It was probably the first instance in which I realised I was part of God's plan.

Several weeks after I started at the Christian Union, I finally learned the secret of Jesus's death and resurrection. Took me long enough, huh? Well I was still vaguely worried about the Heaven/Hell thing, until I listened to Paul Webster (the guy who ran it at the time) praying Thank you that we are clean because of your death and realising that the whole point of his death was that he died because of our sins, and conquered them all by not staying dead (as is traditional :-) ) and rising again. Thus we are clean by accepting his message and his forgiveness for our sins. Thought about saying something, but everyone else seemed to already know, like those facts you learned so long ago they don't amaze you any more. Such as water is wet, mud is brown, chocolate is tasty. Wish I had now, really, because I think it would do everyone good to remember just how amazing that particular piece of news is. Jesus died for our sins and rose again. He forgives us; we're not going to have to build up brownie points in order to get to Heaven. We jut have to hold out our hands and take what he gives us. Sometimes he gives us responsibilities, but they're never things that are cut off from our heart. He wouldn't make us do things we have no love for.

I 'found my feet' as a Christian that year. God reinforced the message that I am not great, but it's him living in me that is great.

I became a different kind of person, albeit slowly. I tried to be more honest and more loving. Particularly I remember a girl who used to be nasty to me every now and again, but our one similarity was having estranged fathers (I've never met mine) and occasionally she 'connected' with me over that. She used to tell me my hair was bad, stuff like that, and say it was embarrassing and 'skankified'. I don't know why she said those things. Maybe, like me sometimes, she just said it without thinking, not realising that it hurt my feelings. A bit later on, she was snubbed by her group of friends. Again, I'm not sure why. But for a little while, when she felt cut off, I became her friend, and when I think about it, I still surprise myself. I've changed a lot from the girl who used to laugh at Chris so I could stay as one of the in-crowd. And it's his power working in me - I couldn't have done it alone.

I started on that road - the path from just Christian to Jesus Freak! During camp that year, I learned so much about Jesus, and was 'baptised with the Holy Spirit'! It was a pretty overwhelming experience, and now I pray for the Holy Spirit in my life so I can always have the strength to do what God wants. It isn't just a buzz, just a 'spiritual fix' to keep you on a high, it's about having a very real relationship wih God. Often you don't 'feel' the Holy Spirit at all, but he's there all the same.

I also spent some time having 'religious debates' on Fidonet (my very first entry explains this) and that taught me quite a lot about my faith. I don't know if I helped anyone else, but it strengthened me and I'm gateful God gave it to me, even though I am against 'religious debate' now. This was another thing Fidonet taught me! Because mainly we ended up hacking away at the others' beliefs, and what's more arguing never persuaded anyone! I realise now the importance of having a personal experience of Jesus.

I have had my low points - round about this time last year I hit one of my lowest, when my faith was in a more precarious position than a luxury ocean liner heading for an Atlantic iceberg. I found Jesus again when I realised that I couldn't hold things back - I just had to trust and give my whole life to him. And though it hasn't all been a bed of roses, it's put my life back on the right track. I've found that Jesus doesn't give to us as a kind of reward for believing in him. He gives to us because our hands are open and we're willing to use his gifts. I know that his way is the right way - through him I have found that I have more confidence to help people, and I'm more daring to tell those I love that I love them! I've grown a lot whilst writing this diary, actually. If you are new to it, my ten favourite entries contains some of my revelations and praise for God. He truly is the Lord of Creation.

One more thing, God has answered a lot of my prayers (meaning that he didn't answer them with 'no, Helen, that's not part of my plan!), but this morning I was thinking and I suddenly remembered a big one he'd given me (and a lotta other people!). My brother used to be an apathetic Catholic, going just because Clive did. (Sorry if you're reading this, Stephen, but it's true so put up with it). He was going to go on a Catholic conference, and I prayed that he could meet Jesus there. When he came back, I realised that he had!!! Hallelujah! He's grown a lot too, although in different ways to me.

So how have I changed? I have hope, love, joy, faith, salvation. I am not perfect, far from it, but I have been blessed. I can confess that Jesus is my Saviour. And I realise that superficial things have no value at all. I haven't committed any great acts of the kind that get put in the history books, but I do know that anything God does is great, and that I've got a lot of life left to serve him in. It's gonna be brilliant.

Later editing: Do you know, I've enjoyed writing some things, most things in fact, but I think that just topped the lot. It got me thinking about all that wonderful things God has done for me, the wonderful life I've been given. Wish I could have added more - maybe I will. For once I've felt a warm glow through something I've written and it hasn't been the kind of glow I get through my fiction, where I think up a pretty piece of narrative. It's real.

Random word for today:

<< last entry ... next entry >>
top of page

Give food for free.