A Curious Girl: Too many thoughts

Gah. My head has so many thoughts in it I'm afraid to go another moment without writing any of them down.

I went to Night Prayer. I like the silence - sometimes I talk to God, sometimes I think about my faith... sometimes my mind wanders, I stare at the interesting wax patterns on the candles, and feel glad that no one can hear my unspiritual thoughts :)

Wednesday - ah, Wednesday was the day I held a small furry bat in my hands. I mused on this tonight, this small and incredible creature. Weirdly enough, some of my awe is due to Richard Dawkins' 'The Blind Watchmaker' (I think he then went on to ramble about how it evolved by a series of minute changes...). I don't know, it's odd but I've been finding God in all sorts of things, when I stroked that small and beautiful bat I wondered if God had arranged that unusual meeting. It was very humbling - I could only play hostess whilst Leah cared for her and thought of all the things she would need. I was somewhat helpless. But I'm so very glad it happened.

Lately I've been feeling - sort of like I'm finally discovering who God actually is. Finally having that 'relationship' thing that people go on about, finally daring to ask myself the awkward questions... Finally getting something that's not cliché.

You know something? I don't like the sinner's prayer. I don't think you can magically have a relationship with God by blindly repeating something. I think as Christians we're often in danger of producing a neat little god who does everything we tell him too, who is respectable and refined and sensible and careful with his cash, and attached to whatever little petty issue we're obsessed with lately. God is the ruler of the universe! He's more than us. We cannot pick and choose what 'bit' of God we like best, we cannot afford to blindly follow what others say about God, let little clichés become accepted truths - if we are to call ourselves his children, we must follow him, and question everything we're told about him.

Lately... hah, I've confessed that during last term, and recently, I've been a rather pathetic Christian. It's the sad truth. The most valuable discovery I've made since then is that God loves me anyway. God loves all of us madly and wants to be with us - that's why Jesus was willing to die for us. He's crazy about us. Beats me why ;) but there you go. I can't help but feel it, when I see this beautiful earth, how much he loves us...

(Ayn Rand would be very annoyed with me, I do know I'm being very subjective. It's-my-diary-and-I'll-write-what-I-want-to(tm) )

Also I've realised again recently that I'm in danger of being unhumble. *sighs* - It's because I often feel as if I've stumbled across a lot of nonsense that the Church and others have been happily following for years (more on this later :) ) and I find myself wanting to rant very arrogantly at everyone - 'I'm right, you're wrong...'. Which would be very hypocritical, since it's exactly the sort of behaviour I hate.

I found I loved 'What's a Christian to do with Harry Potter?' by Connie Neal, not so much for the reasoned arguments and display of sense shown within, but for Connie Neal's amazing humility. I got the impression that she didn't care so much whether by the end you considered Harry Potter brilliant or the work of Satan - just so long as she'd persuaded you to see things from the other perspective. Her chief gripe was not that the people on one side were either being 'foolishly tolerant' or 'ridiculously fanatical' about Harry Potter. It was that the whole issue was not being dealt with in a considered, and Christian manner. She encouraged proper consideration, wisdom, searching for truth - and humility.

And whilst I do think that a lot of silly things get spread around, I don't actually think a lot of them matter too much, in the long run. You know, I think that if we could respect people's genuine good points, whilst gently challenging problems in a humble manner, when appropriate, we'd get along a lot better.

Random word for today: inauguration

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