A Curious Girl: The tragedy of my life

Do memories ever pounce on you?

I got one today - my first reading book. It had about ten words in it, the last one being 'teacher', which I knew by memory, having seen it so many times. I probably couldn't have spelt it.

I was excited when our teacher gave us those books - I was really happy to be starting reading. My happiness surprised me. Why? Because I'd been dreading the day when we got rid of the picture books. Reading was some far off distant dreamy thing that adults did.

And then I thought I've been thinking like this all my life. Reading, writing, maths, making friends, doing sport, school work, coursework, a-levels... This is one of the tragedies of my life. Because I can read now, I like adopting random words into my conversation that make me think 'Hey, I've never used that word before!' But I get afraid, I hide instead of getting up to fight. And I think I'm no good at anything, I'm just fooling people into thinking that I am. Maybe the world is wrong and I am right. But what if the world is right and I am wrong? In fact, who cares? I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13, as you avid readers of me may know :-) ). So what the heck, this is no time for modesty. I am good at stuff. I am reasonable at driving, I can write, read, analyse, understand, talk, listen, I am good at HTML and I like writing stories. I am also good at non-conforming, and reasonable at public speaking. In fact, this morning the guy from Millenium Volunteers was in assembly and asked if anyone had done anything amazing. I suggested the Noise to Chris, and she prodded me to say it. So I did. Throughout the day people kept mentioning it, congratulating me on being brave. Mr. DE did and I thought he was referring to the psychology lesson (I'd only copied notes)! I said thanks and it only hit me a few seconds later.

The other thing associated with this is that I'm ging to prioritise - I think I'm actually going to drop psychology, which will give me more time is school to focus on the others and more time out of school to do the things I love, like volunteering, and the things I need, like work for money! I realised that part of me constantly being afraid and fearful that I can't do stuff (see some earlier entries... can't remember where... sorry, that's not very helpful...) is that I feel the need to do loads of stuff to prove that I can, meaning that I feel bogged down and don't meet my targets, meaning that I feel worse. So I'm going to do myself a favour for once.

And lastly, Keith, Lois, Lolita, and Nicky, I owe you all e-mails, watch this space.

Random word for today:

<< last entry ... next entry >>
top of page

Give food for free.