A Curious Girl: The troubling questions

I seem to be having a lot of conversations with different 'sorts' of Christians lately. Went on retreat to a (Church of England) monastery in Mirfield this weekend, and the ex RC chaplain of York university came along and gave some talks. I had a long conversation with him on Saturday. I can see why he was such a popular chaplain :) He was very gentle and had so much compassion. One thing that he said stuck in my mind - "God is love, all the time. Not just when he's in a good mood - all the time."

Complex questions of hell, judgement, eschatology, destiny, salvation, faith and works aside, I realised that my "crisis of faith" boiled down to the old questions that continue to trouble me and everyone else:

Does God love me?
Does God love everyone else?
Will he always love us?

I do not wish to take God's grace lightly - I would not wish to say, "God loves me, I'm safe, I can do anything I like, I need not strive or struggle or even obey...", employing some kind of emotional blackmail on God; "you have to love me so I'll do as I like", like a husband who'd beat his wife if he knew she wouldn't leave him, or a daughter who knows that her parents will always feed and house her, so ignores their discipline and breaks the rules, despite any heartfelt pleas to do otherwise.

But I do find it so very hard to believe that there is security in God's love. I am a fool, a sinner and a doubter, and I fear that God will get bored with my foolishness and sinfulness and doubt and *bang* my name's gone from the Book of Life. I find it hard to believe there is persistence in God's love - can I trust him to keep hounding my friends, relatives, acquaintances, enemies even, and all those billions of people I will never meet and can't lead to Jesus? Will he pursue them so that they can at least make the choice to turn and follow him? Or will he shut the door on the last few prodigals who turn for home?

Is it possible that "God is love" is the most troubling phrase in the Bible?

Random word for today: praxis

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