A Curious Girl: One and one make two (not one)

OK, Biology exam today... fun... I don't think :) Actually, it was all right. I'm so glad it's over now!

I have a feeling my view to boyfriends is similar to the view of atheists who get angry when Christians tell them they need Jesus. I'm well aware that that's ironic. Of course, I'm older and wiser from when I spent my days preaching skewed arguments to unrepentant atheists, and I've finally worked out that they'll know they need Jesus when they know, not when a helpful Christian tells them. Anyway, my other irritation is that I have a feeling that the reason for my annoyance to the 'need a man' doctrine is the reason Christians believe that atheists are annoyed with them. It's because deep down, a part of them agrees but doesn't want to admit it.

OK, that made no sense. I'll start from the beginning, shall I?

As a fanfic put it...

I think truly finding that other half is a rarity. Most people travel through their lives never finding their soul mate. Because they do not, they never feel the lack of completeness. When someone does find their other half however, a new bond is formed that opens up a higher level of intimacy for both halves.

Tosh. I'm not half a person - I have all my pieces, thank you. I'm not a fairy tale princess only validated by the prince. Any girl who sleeps a hundred years waiting for a man should have just got herself an alarm clock. Yes I'm single, but I'm me, not the first installment of me, not me version 'F'. If ever the mystical Mr. Right appears, he'll be him and I'll be me, and if we get married, why yes, we'll be one flesh, but we won't be one body.

But not everyone seems to think this. If I turn into a pleasantly prosperous spinster, the 'Miss' will still speak against me. (That irks me, why can't all women be Ms. like all men are Mr.? What is it about being married that makes a woman change her name and a man stay the same? It's silly.) I couldn't believe it when my mum said she'd actually thought of, when she and Clive go to Holland again, inviting Nicky and Jonathan to go (and not me). Because Nicky's older than I am? By five months. Because she's more mature than I am? Well, maybe in some ways, but I don't think there's that much in it. Because they could pay for it? That might be a bit much to ask of a couple who've just moved house. Why? Because they're a couple. I don't qualify because I'm not engaged and therefore socially at a loss. I wouldn't enjoy it because I don't have a bloke by my side. Of course, Stephen would have been left out of the invitation too. He's single as well, but he's got so many good friends, it would be absurd to assume he needs a girlfriend.

It just seems like there's a couples club developing... Chris is generally very cool about the matter (despite her boyfriend, we still actually see each other! miracle :) ) but I feel frustrated when, for instance, at the last day before study leave, I need a friend, and I realise that without exception, all my close female friends are with their boyfriends. Prom dates, slow dances, love songs, Valentine's day, fairy tales, neatly manufactured for two. I remember watching Beauty and the Beast for the first time and actually being surprised at the requirement that the Beast learn to love and earn her love in return. Love is not merely a preparation for marriage, you can have one without the other. Requesting that someone love is not unreasonable, demanding that they marry is silly.

All right, time for me to cheerfully eat my words. What did I say before? That I'm cursing the couples' club whilst sending off my application form to become a member. It's true, I'd like someone there. Someone constant, loyal, human, whole, someone I can call up with twee comments, someone who, by the absurd rules of the couples' club, will follow that exclusion of all other people thing to my benefit for once. I realise that is terribly selfish. It's true, I preach a great (feminist?) ideal, then confound myself by revealing I was brought here by jealousy, not righteous anger.

I am all me and need no one else. I wish I could say this was all, that like a good Christian the Lord is my Shepherd, I have all I need, and I'm patiently waiting for the right man to come along. I do have all I need, I really do. God has given me so much. He's already heard these irritations, these complaints. In this time of upheaval, I'd like someone I know will be there constantly, who I won't have to leave. I'd like someone I can know inside out. I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I was content with everything I need.

Phew, what a mixed up rant. I should catalogue these sorts of entries under 'Helen proving that she can believe several opposing things at once.'

What a mess.

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