A Curious Girl: Unsure

Well, I've started at my new job - am writing this in lunch hour actually, since this is the only place where I have internet access. It's been a bit slow starting off - we've only had a few things to do, so I hope it gets busier. The grounds are so green and pretty, and since it's still sunny and warm (or should that be finally sunny and warm :) I/we have been out a lot at lunch times.

People here are really nice. I don't really feel homesick (yet) or uni-sick or whatever. I talk to Matthew on the phone a lot and I'm still available on the old e-mail (see link above) so I can be contacted. Plus Keith is here, which is nice. He cooked me spaghetti bolognese on Sunday, which was amazing. Truly delicious. And the first to rival mine and my mum's bolognese. A true achievement :)

I do still feel unsure about everything though. There should be a word for it - it's the feeling you get when you go to a new place and you don't quite know how everything works and you can't plan things because anything might happen. And even though you know the rules, you don't really know the customs... It's like playing Mau (sp?) for the first time. It's a game that Dr. Who James taught us back in January, which starts ideally with most of the players not knowing the rules. Perhaps I feel unmaued :)

I went to church, not last Sunday but the Sunday before. I was mildly freaked that I heard the term 'conservative Evangelical' but the people were nice - in the evening I joined up with a student Bible study group and after the Bible study we ate takeaway and watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That's a great film!

In this new place though I'm having trouble knowing how to be salt and light (non-Bible readers may appreciate the Message's rendering "salt bringing out God-flavours, light showing up God-colours). I am so useless at being a shining example of love and generosity and integrity. Heh, I even had to borrow some money from Nick (a fellow York student) when I realised I'd lost a Ł10 note last week. I guess the thing to remember is not that I am useless, but that God can do anything... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :D (Phil 4:13).

My house is nice but v. quiet. My room is purty and looks much better now I've moved all my stuff in. My fridge, however, is annoyingly not quite cold enough. I don't have a freezer. But the food is OK, there's a Sainsbury's nearby if I'm desperate for a wide selection. Plus work's restaurant does good and cheap food.

I read through some old diary entries and actually had trouble empathising with my former self. I used to write here nearly every day. I can't understand how I found the time. And I used to be so sure... I found an old student planner covered in Bible verses, not just the post Detling euphoria but all through the year. Was there a time when I was like this? What seems almost strange to me now was that I started reading the Bible everyday out of genuine hunger. I didn't even have Bible notes. I didn't even know Bible notes existed.

And now my faith has been through doubts and attacks - droughts and fires and floods and all kinds of calamities. The biggest miracle is that it's still here... But that's grace.

Have you ever read the Chronicles of Narnia? In the last book, Susan Pevensie acts as though Narnia never existed. Her siblings find her behaviour inexplicable. How could she deny something so real? People often wonder where Susan went. I was disappointed, because I really liked her in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. The thing is, I doubt that she could have given up her Narnia memories for long. If we take the metaphor that Narnia is like the Christian life, (not that you get too old for it, but that even when you aren't in Aslan's country, Aslan is there) then I must add that Jesus is addictive. He's just too wonderful to give up. To astounding to cast aside. God knew my faith would be taken and swept and all but lost... But knowing him, he probably planned it that way. I'm not the most passionate Christian right now - I wish I were - but now I know better than to cling to a feeling.

So I still don't know where to settle in - but I'm sure God will find me somewhere.

Random word for today:

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