A Curious Girl: Walk the talk

I sometimes wonder whether people are actually ashamed to be unselfish. Perhaps because we've all been emotionally blackmailed into things and resent it, we associate charity with dependency ("I don't want your charity!"), liberation of marginalised groups with woolly political correctness (I am so disgusted when I read white people complaining about black history month and other such things... the Onion put it well "Black History Month ends... White History Year continues"), we associate generosity with stupidity, and there are actually people who believe that their lives should continue as "normal" after they have children.

One of the most beautiful things about Soul in the City (a Christian event in which delegates spent the week/fortnight doing small-scale community projects such as gardening, litter-picking etc, for no payment) was that everyone wanted to serve. "Not my problem" wasn't an excuse you heard - because everyone had come to help. Unfortunately, in the 'real world', people are unwilling to put themselves on the line. They're afraid that people will take advantage of them - that their service will make them vulnerable.

And then of course, if one wants to speak out about an issue or a conviction... there is of course the ultimate danger. The one that really gets us trembling. It's the fact that we might sound morbid, guilt-tripping... or worst of all, cheesy.

And yes, I'm guilty of all the above crimes. I've stayed quiet when people laughed someone got hurt because I was too timid to say that they were being pathetic. I've actually felt bad giving to good causes. I blush when I tell people about my plans for the future - I'm ashamed to say I want to help people, afraid they'll think me stupid. I don't want to tell people that I want to be a teacher because the pay isn't that good, yet I find it bemusing that Nick goes on about planning to be a doctor "because the money's good".

I'm afraid to serve. Afraid to let go, afraid that God won't provide. Afraid that I won't be good enough, that my service will be futile. Afraid that everyone will think I'm stupid and have been duped and guilt-tripped into it. Afraid to speak for what's right because I worry that I'll sound self-righteous, judgmental, or sentimental.

I was reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren this lunchtime. I'm reading it daily, as my church here is going through a period called "40 Days of Purpose". It's not the best Christian book I've ever read (not even after the Bible :) ) and I get a tad rebellious when people praise its magnificence, but it's still good. I read the chapter "Thinking like a Servant" and I'm certain this is the hardest chapter so far. I do, very much, want to dwell less on all the 'things' I want, and start living, properly, in the way that God has planned for me. I want to be a servant, I don't think there's very much that's more important - that only other I can think of is knowing and loving God (I'd also like to be an evangelist... the proper kind, the kind that doesn't just scare people off). But I find it hard, because being a "fool for Christ" is so hard. It's not, unfortunately, the amusing kind of foolishness. It's the kind of foolishness that, whilst some praise, others insult and criticise, because it challenges them or they just think that it's stupid...

There's a line in the Matt Redman song "Show me the way of the cross" which goes, "I've given like a beggar, but lived like the rich". And it's true of me - when I want something (I went shopping yesterday) I think of how much money I have, when I am asked to give, I think of how little I earn comparatively. I should remind myself how much I enjoy giving... I bought some things for a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child which was fun. I also bought lots of things for me, only one of which I arguably needed. Sigh.

It's time to walk my talk.

Random word for today: cosmopolitan

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