A Curious Girl: Have you lost weight? Want to borrow some?

Some things have caught up on me. Some past sadnesses, fears, that I'd thought - hoped - pretended were dead and buried.

A person who was a friend, but is now just a 'mate'.

An isolation that shouldn't be.

A fear I'd been ignoring.

An issue that still hurts me.

If 'Have you lost weight?' lost all meaning as a compliment, this world would be a much better place. Anorexics wouldn't be as delighted at the falling scales. Compulsive eaters wouldn't be as trapped by the expectations and criticisms of others.

I am a compulsive eater, by the way - it's not a serious physiological problem, so don't worry for my health... as yet I know I am not fat. I am overweight, which is a nastier term than fat, to me. I would rather call myself fat, which is a farcical exaggeration as to the way I look, as opposed to overweight, which has no jolly associations, just a cold clinical implication of inadequacy. I realised this a while back... it hasn't gone away. I don't talk about my food issues much. Maybe it's because I don't diet. I refuse to. My battle is against those women who are dieters. I don't diet, because it doesn't work - down and up and down and up... as Christina once said, 'Have you lost weight?' is a restrictive compliment. Its partner insult is 'Shouldn't you be on a diet?'

I don't want to be complimented on my ability to conform to their view of perfection, which I know to be wrong. Perfection doesn't come from the outside. And yet they've still got me - although they can't change me from the outside, they can still make sure I don't like what I see in the mirror many days.

Of course, this is wrong. Whatever bad attitudes of society govern them on this matter, those attitudes have won when they change my inside, not my outside. Because if 'Have you lost weight?' is not a compliment, it doesn't matter if you're tall, short, fat, thin, curvy, straight, whetever. What matters is that you like how you are - you're content with yourself, not yourself with smaller thighs or a bigger bust. So, to put it bluntly, my own attitude is totally screwy and I know it. If I'm reacting to that bad attitude by changing how I look, then I've already lost. But it's so difficult. Their expectations are so forceful, restrictive. I want their acceptance, but not for being thin. I want them to look at me and see 'Helen', not 'Helen who could do with more exercise and less sitting at desks all day.' 'Helen who ought to eat less'. Or even 'Helen who looks fabulous, she's lost so much weight'.

Maybe I should tell people this.

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