A Curious Girl: Is it OK to be different?

I managed to sleep through the whole of church parade this morning. I woke up at about 12:00.

On Friday Mr. R asked if I could draw pictures of Antony and Cleopatra for him. I've done that but noses are really hard, and I couldn't get Cleo to look old enough. On the first drawing she looked about 12, on the next one 18 and finally I've finished, and she looks a little like Miss L, my Year 8 English teacher.

Didn't Sara have a nickname for her? I've forgotten what it was, if there was one.

Christina said "I could do that" in a kind of indignant way.

I've sent her the address for this site, so I won't say anything nasty :-)

(Hi Chris)

I'm meant to be doing CU on Tuesday, but I'm feeling thoroughly uninspired. Chris says Katie H. was and the Hobbs's yesterday and she's become a Christian, which is pretty cool. Katie, I seem to recall, was one of those people who cared about disabled people etc. I liked her, she was funny and caring. She was also sometimes a bit of a bitch, but aren't we all? I think I did have arguments with her. Who cares?

Reminiscing on my primary school, I recall that one lunch time we were inside and some of the other girls were discussing Katie and Felicity, and thinking up ways to trick them, or something. For some reason, I was volunteered (without consent) to go up to them and pretend I wasn't friends with Claire, Rachel and co anymore and find out stuff. (Hazy flipping memories) Then I could go behind their backs. I listened to this and made up my mind that I would have none of it. Why choose me, anyway? When I used to break up with friends, I used to go off on my own, and cry, usually. I certainly wouldn't ingratiate myself with Felicity. Rebecca was similarly pulled into the plan, after all, why do the dirty work yourself? Then, Rachel told Felicity and Felicity went around with her supporters and blamed us (her words to me were, 'keep your tricks to yourself') for something we didn't even agree with. And Claire, my then best friend, was part of her gang!!!

Rebecca and I just looked at each other, without a clue about what Felicity was going on about.

This is of course a pretty childish memory, and everything seems serious when you're eleven. But I still have to wonder if people misjudge me like they did then? What kind of foul person did Felicity think I was? And Claire had been there, helping Rachel and co plot, and yet she supported Felicity in blaming me and Rebecca.

Scape-goats, I suppose.

I'm glad I've got better friends now, although when I hear people bitch, I still wonder: "Do they ever say bad things about me?" Like I'm so annoying, and other type of things like that. I'd rather not know.

Sometimes I feel so lonely. Like that the time recorded above, when Claire told me why Felicity was blaming me, and *she* had had more part in the bitching than me, yet she didn't even offer her sympathy!

I wonder what Claire would say if she knew that I'm a Christian? I could never tell her. She always used to laugh at Christina.

I wish I wasn't such a wimp when it comes to peer pressure. I mean, sometimes it doesn't have to come to words, there's just the feeling that you're different and everyone else has everything in common. I just sometimes feel I have to conform.

It's worrying really. I mean, the feeling dates back to birth, I suppose, but whilst I'm thinking about Year Six, I can remember being too embarrassed to go to 78 club in my uniform because no-one else did, and why did I never speak up against being volunteered into subterfuge anyway? I just get so *afraid* I suppose, insecure. I get worried that if I go it alone, everyone will reject me. So in the end, I *can't* speak out, or be different. I have to be weird instead. 'Different' people are disgusting freaks, but weirdoes are fairly tolerable.

And if you're the same, your identity drowns out, and when you want to speak out, no-one hears you.

Random word for today:

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