A Curious Girl: What fat means...

I had a nice day today. OK, so I bought some ballet shoes and then lost them in Marks and Spencer and had to wander around the top floor like an idiot trying to work out where customer services was, but other than that, it was fun. It was a lovely sunny day in town today, various street entertainers were out, including the crazy escapologist who I've seen before (I wonder if he ever gets bored of repeating the same jokes? :) )

I've been rereading 'Fat is a Feminist Issue'. It's scary how much of it I relate to (and a bit of a relief how much I don't relate to... I can eat cheesecake with other people present...).

It's interesting how Susie Orbach argues that "fat" serves us, in a way. There are potential benefits to it. Despite the usual associations with 'lazy', 'slob', 'ugly' etc. I do associate lots of nice words with 'fat'.

Such as...

'Motherly' - big breasts and "child-bearing" hips - there's something that feels strong and supportive about being rather on the chubby side. Not only are you coping, but you can provide for others.

'Cuddly' - I like hugs :)

'Jolly' - In 'Fat is a Feminist Issue' Orbach mentions how fat is sometimes there to hide feelings, or express them in another way, and that's interesting because thinking of being 'thin' just makes me feel vulnerable in a way, like I can't put on a happy face. Weird, I never noticed this before.

Also 'thin' and 'slim' have numerous negative connotations, most of which I hate. In brief, conforming, vulnerable, cold, 'girly', weak, ditzy, selfish, sex object, depriving... It's the idea that this mythical 'slimness' is an embodiment of society's ideals, like that stupid slimming club advert that advertised you could 'reveal the real you', which made the 'real me' sound self-obsessed and shallow. Every woman in the world seems to want to be slim, seems to spend hours of her time dedicated to keeping the pounds off. Frankly I have better things to do. I remember feeling almost betrayed when I saw a phrase that I like very much - "A goal is a dream with a deadline" - with a WeightWatcher's logo, and then I realised it was supposed to be about looking good in a bikini...

I also said in an entry (which I've now passworded) this, which I feel sums up how I feel about the slimming culture.

It's a cruel, cruel trick to make someone think they can be perfect. No. I'm not going to be part of their little game. It makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel ugly, and hideous, and not fit to be alive. Ignore it and be fat and free. That's my motto.

And there's the sex object thing. Very beautiful women seem to be admired for one thing - their beauty. I couldn't think of many worse things than being a walking, talking mannequin (the link is to the dictionary definition, which I feel proves my point). I want to be clever, funny, witty, charming, interesting, friendly, loving, caring, cheerful... I don't want to be a moody pouting model. The mere idea is horrifying. To become beautiful "and she's also quite smart" would feel like a huge denial of myself.

And the whole 'girly' issue... heck I can't even fit into most mid/late teens/early twenties clothing anymore and a part of me wants to say good riddance. I really don't want to be a silly little girly girl anymore, going crazy over make-up and clothes and snubbing the unpopular and unfashionable for the sake of fitting in. I don't want to ever be mistaken for fitting in. I want to be a mature woman, who isn't shallow, isn't squeamish about a little muck, is adventurous and can cope.

And in the end, the extra fat is a big 'screw you' to everyone who's ever implied that I'm fat and I should lose weight. I don't want them to have the satisfaction of thinking they were right.

I confess, to eat just because I'm hungry and not with an agenda, to be all right to stop eating because I'm full and not being subconsciously worried that I'm giving in to a whole load of demands on me, on women, and on the world in general, if I decide I want a salad or am simply not hungry, is almost frightening and requires an effort. I don't want to be just like everyone else. But if I don't stress about how much I eat, I wouldn't be like everyone else, would I?

It's just that... if I start looking 'acceptable', I'll feel I've lost my right to complain about stupid dieting things. Only that won't be true, because I (like most people on the planet, probably) have experienced its stupidity first hand. And if I do happen to find myself getting skinnier, I'll answer every query of 'Have you lost weight?' with 'Does it matter?'

And something I have to remember - losing fat would not mean losing intellect, humour, friendliness, virtue, maturity or generosity.

I am who I am, not how I look.

I've created a diaryring (see below). Go me :)

Post script: It occurred to me that I find the Atkins' Diet particularly offensive not just because of its ridiculous (and unscientific) requirements but because it disregards most of my staples (pasta and bread), as well as my love for chocolate.

Some other entries on this - Why I hate dieting, What do I say?, Have you lost weight? Want to borrow some?

'Fat is a Feminist Issue' by Susie Orbach is published by Arrow Books, ISBN 0-09-927154-0

Random word for today: nourishment

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