A Curious Girl: Are you willing?

*sigh* I couldn't help but be cheered by the sight of Iraqis pulling down Saddam's statue and stamping on it, however in the light of 'collateral damage' I feel angered that no other solutions seem to have been pursued. Peace was never an option to Bush and Blair. After consideration I have decided that I do not regret being part of the protest, and I'm fed up of this warmongering. What next? Bomb Syria? North Korea?

Why is it left to charities to support the people wounded by this war, when our government did all the (so-called) liberating? I am becoming more and more convinced that we have ample resources and facilities for everyone in this world, but because things are so hinged upon money and politics, not everyone can have them.

Here is something I picked up from MercyCorps, who are raising money for Iraq at the moment. And this is just about Iraq, think of the other nations suffering.

Devastated by years of economic sanctions and government misrule, the people of Iraq today find themselves especially vulnerable to the catastrophic effects of war.

Half a million children under age five are acutely malnourished or underweight.

The death rate of children under 5 is 2 1/2 times greater than in 1990.

Widespread shortages of basic medicines allow preventable diseases to become fatal.

Want to know another interesting statistic? 65% of British children have a television in their bedroom.

Whilst I was not one of the 65% (aah... except for a couple of years as a teenager, but I never really watched it ;) ), doesn't it seem ridiculous that we are surrounded by such luxuries when there are so many people who don't even have access to clean water?

Matthew gave me a book of cartoons and leaflets from the Jesus Christians. I really like these people, for one thing, they agree with me on most things :) However... the way they live is... wonderful, but impossible :) How can I put it? Each one of them sells practically everything they own, and then they go to work to help people - for free. They live in a group and share everything, living by the faith that God will give them what they need.

Whilst I believe that this works - God does provide for those who love him (and those who don't!!), I cannot even fathom the thought of joining them. Even if there was no possibility that they were some weirdo cult (which I don't believe they are, they speak too much sense), even if I had no practical objections like wanting to get a degree and become qualified as a teacher - I'm not sure I could ever do it. Which is frightening. That kind of living issues the challenge - "If you had to give up everything for God, would you? Never mind whether you have to now, never mind whether it's all right to have the things you do. Are you willing? Does everything you have and everything you are belong to God?"

And right now, I know that the answer is 'no'. Fear holds me back. Comfort holds me back.

In light of this revelation, I've actually been quite scared of praying. Silly in some ways, but I keep getting convinced that I'll either be condemned to hell, whatever hell is, forever for being a pathetic half-hearted Christian, or the other side of me is scared that I'll actually do it, I'll sell everything I own and do all the living by faith stuff. Then my family might disown me, or something. I don't know. Or they'll do what any lovely family would do if they thought you had been suckered by a weirdo cult, and have me 'deprogrammed', and I'll end up a pathetic failure rather than simply a half-hearted (but uncontroversial) Christian, as in many ways I am now.

The thing is, I do think I am called to study at university, and called to be a teacher or something similar, and after that I do want to do go a developing country that really *needs* good teachers (or whatever it is that I end up being qualified to do), and work there. I want to live a life of giving, and of having to rely on God... Just not now.

And then it hits me, even if I'm at university now, among the mainly middle-class in a pretty part of England, shouldn't I be living in preparation? Shouldn't I be living as if I might have to give up everything, as if all my possessions are God's, with serving him (and that involving serving others) as my top priority. That doesn't mean indulging in holy-looking activities, such as going to Church and singing hymns and things (they are both good, but they are not ends unto themselves, not at all) it means a change in attitude. Living knowing that God takes care of me and that I don't need things. Loving people wholeheartedly.

This afternoon, I sat avoiding prayer (I usually forget, not actively avoid) and then my mind dared me to put on some Soul Survivor music. 'Beautiful One' started playing...

And do you know, despite my fears, as I heard that song, I realised that God is not waiting to tell me off for being a bad Christian, like I'm standing outside the door of the cosmic headmaster. It was like he was standing there, smiling, beckoning me to dump all the stuff I'm holding onto and come to what he has prepared for me. It will be infinitely better than anything I have now, rather like a father beckoning his child out of a little den they've made for themselves so they can go to the park, the beach, a funfair. School, even. The hospital - it doesn't matter - because he's loving and will take his children places where they can grow.

And I'm just a little bit less afraid now. It's like Alan Smith, the preacher last Sunday, said. Sometimes we feel we should have messages that make us feel guilty. Alan Smith, however, decided to base his entire message around 'God loves you.' "I'm sorry I couldn't bring you better news," he apologised.

Random word for today: resplendent

<< last entry ... next entry >>
top of page

Give food for free.